Mental Health

I can't offer much help that others haven't said already with regards to your partner. tbh I'm in a very similar situation where my partner plays games/drinks to cope and I sometimes feel my needs are not met. I am working at acknowledging that and respectfully asking for what I need.

However:

please be respectful, i don't need a rant on how much i suck as a bf, i'm really trying to figure out what to do to help.

Please, please don't blame yourself or think you're a bad bf for asking for help. I don't know how you are in the relationship but the fact that you're worried and want to get help shows that you're invested and care about your partner. There is nothing wrong with that and I'm sure (unless you're abusive or something) that you are a totally awesome bf and your partner is just going through some shit. Do not take his shit personally. His choices are his alone and do not reflect on you as a person or as a boyfriend. I'm sure you are wonderful!

I have heard/understood that depression and (serious) relationships don't fit well together 🤔

But what do I know.

(Not to put any blame to anywhere.)

Are the games permanent or how he interacts with his social circle?

Sometimes I get really really into a game (cough Factorio, Anno) and it consumes my brain, but after a few weeks I move on. I do get very into games so distractions get met with an "ugh" (not proud of that)

Also is that depression managed in any way, because for me depression makes me not able to decide what I want to do. If he default to just turning on CoD or whatever then maybe he's just in that mood too often and the root cause is that depression.

Spending all of your time on a hobby is not reasonable, even because of mental health issues. Sure, short stints can be managed from relationship to relationship, but everyone has a need to talk and spend time with their partner. Nobody can sustain being completely ignored forever. You need to have a talk, establish an understanding of what you both need out of a relationship, how much time spent together is the key topic of conversation. It may just be that your hobbies, coping strategies, relationship preferences and lifestyles are incompatible for a long term relationship. You need to talk to figure this out, understand if it feels more like a moment of extreme stress or more like something he is happy with just remaining that way forever. My wife and I both love video games. We play hours and hours of it together. Just got her into mechwarrior online and she loves it. I still can't game all the time, we have both have had to put the game down to spend time with the other. It's just a normal part of being in an adult relationship, you have to find a balance, and that balance is usually established by a series of conversations about expectations, needs and boundaries. Sometimes the balance just comes naturally, but you can't expect it to always work that way or stay that way. Lastly, its pretty rude to act like your partner is being annoying when wanting to spend time together. Sometimes people are rude to each other when we shouldn't be, but how we take responsibility for that when confronted about it says a lot about how much we care about our impact on the person we hurt.

You aren't alone. My relationship is very similar but we are wlw. I still love her but I know I certainly need more in the relationship department because her chronic pain and mh means she ends up gaming all day when I stopped being as much of a gamer years ago. I will sometimes just ask her to do mundane tasks on my computer for me so I feel like we are doing something together. I have a really active social life but she has a couple of friends she socialises with every so often.

I've been thinking about it for a while so I thought adding my two cents from a similar position might help. I think being poly might be the right answer for me and taking over the room of another housemate when they leave.

I feel really fulfilled by my friends but I feel lonely in my relationship. I suppose that the difference is that it feels like some of will do cute little things to help me without being asked when my gf feels like she needs prompting to do anything more than look up from her screen and tell me she loves me.

I'm disabled myself and elements of my disability frustrate her too but she says that she is upset with the disability and not me and I feel the same towards her. I know that if she would pay enough attention to the real world that she would remember how much pain she is in, but I can't stop myself feeling lonely despite that.

I don't want to feel like I'm butting in on your post with this, I thought being upfront about it might make you feel a little less alone like your post did for me. :)

Sounds like an addiction or a maladaptive coping mechanism. He's gonna need therapy .

Sorry chief.

You gotta toss this one back - he's no good.

It's not the gaming that's the problem. He just doesn't care that much about anyone else.

it's kind of about his mental health struggles

It's kinda not really. Loads of people manage depression and anxiety, but still care for the needs of the people they love.

Sometimes, or often, love just isn't enough. Certainly "words of affirmation" are not enough.

You deserve to be with someone who takes an interest in you and asks you about your day and finds ways to make you smile. I suspect that you're more of a salve for this guys loneliness than a partner.

A relationship is a two-way street. If you’re not getting anything back, maybe it’s time to have a talk about that. And if bringing it up is consistently pushed off and ignored, try bringing that up as well.

But if nothing changes, you will simply continue to feel this way and it won’t improve on its own.

Maybe he would play co-op games with you? Unfortunately, this is sort of a problem that you can't really help with (not concretely). If he's not willing to pause the game and hang out with you, you won't be able to change that; he needs to want to change and right now it seems he doesn't want that or is otherwise overwhelmed by or resigned to whatever's going on.

As someone who also struggles with video game binges that often last 8-24 hours, has he ever considered he might have ADHD? I have it (inattentive type) and depression and what little you've mentioned reminds me of myself.

Even if he doesn't have ADHD and is just avoiding dealing with other issues, looking into some strategies for staying present and managing unpleasant thoughts from an ADHD perspective might help if his main way to cope is distraction. I would also encourage him to see a therapist if he can afford it, but that's a huge step for some and it might take a bit to get comfy with the idea.

I feel that you need to gently, but firmly, state your feelings on this matter to him. Reassure him that you don't want him to completely stop playing games, just that you would enjoy having one on one time with him for at least a few hours a day. As part of a relationship, is reinforcing that connection which was initially formed by dating, and building upon it. To me, his fixation of gaming screams escapism...As it is easier to avoid dealing with discomfort than to face it head-on (I speak from experience on that matter). He's not a bad dude, like you said, he is fighting (or avoiding) serious internal struggles.

This can be common with any couple. I'm going to fudge the terms probably, but heres a go at it.

Sounds like you want him to be more attentive to you being there. That's natural, and not a needy thing. He obviously likes you being there, those statements he says are good things. It's possible he just might not know what else to say. That's a not a bad thing, if thats the case, youll have to work a little too get him out of his shell.

I was going to say a bunch more but the correct terms are completely escaping me right now i don't want to say the wrong thing.

Try more "together things" is the simplish suggestion. But really if sounds like he's hibernating and needs to come out of the cave.

But also video games aren't bad. Theyre an excellent way to cope, and relax, get your brain going, etc what have you.

Did you already try looking for games you can play/enjoy together?

I heard good things about Split Fiction: https://store.steampowered.com/app/2001120/Split_Fiction/

Also found this article while searching for a link (though only skimmed through it): https://insider-gaming.com/best-co-op-games-like-it-takes-two-split-fiction/