CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I've posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it's kinda shitty I've never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn't realised I'd managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to 'date'. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you're not sure there's even a problem. But you are certain there's an issue. How'd you explain that to anyone? How'd you explain that to them?
Idk why I'm posting this rant. I'm sorry for disturbing you all. I don't even want someone to tell me I'm wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
'Yeah, no, you're right there's something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you're right, you shouldn't be here. No, you're absolutely right, there's an unplacable ugliness to you that you can't fix and everyone will always notice.'
I don't know what I'd do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it'd make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
Yeah, I see that. It's just that I've finally found a career I enjoy and doesn't make me actively suicidal. Downside is that it leaves me kind of time poor.
I've dated a couple of women from work and it's been mixed. Also before I found this job, I fell ~~in-love~~ in-limerance with a friend with a long-term boyfriend (now engaged) and the internal angst between wanting to be her friend, wanting to be a good person, and desperately wanting her relationship to end really led me to wanting to 'date' so at least I wasn't getting invested in unavailable people.
Sorry, don't want to give the impression I'm completely disregarding you. I appreciate you contributing.
I don't think you're disregarding me, your concerns are valid and natural. It sounds like you're having a tough time emotionally right now, just in a different way than before.
It honestly doesn't sound like it would be healthy for you to pursue a relationship right now. You clearly have feelings for your friend, and while you logically know it can't happen, you're not quite over her emotionally. Getting into a relationship, or even dating, someone else at the moment isn't healthy for you, and also isn't fair to the person you'd be dating. You need to work on getting over your friend first, before adding more people to the mix.
Do you have a therapist? You hopefully do, considering your history of suicidal ideation. If you have upcoming therapy sessions, I suggest bringing your crush on your engaged friend up to your therapist, and they might be able to help you process things. You might also want to dial down your interactions with that friend for a while.
When you feel ready to put yourself out there, I would personally not try to approach anyone at work. If it happens naturally that's okay, but I would personally prefer not to mix my dating and professional life if I could avoid it. Maybe there is some activity you could do once or twice a week where you'd meet people? I met my wife at an event at a local climbing gym. There are also dance classes, mountaineering clubs, art or pottery classes, and other activities which you might enjoy while meeting women with similar interests.
That's just being human.
I think it was Mark Twain that said "nobody is completely sad when their best friend fails"