CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I've posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it's kinda shitty I've never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn't realised I'd managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to 'date'. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you're not sure there's even a problem. But you are certain there's an issue. How'd you explain that to anyone? How'd you explain that to them?
Idk why I'm posting this rant. I'm sorry for disturbing you all. I don't even want someone to tell me I'm wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
'Yeah, no, you're right there's something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you're right, you shouldn't be here. No, you're absolutely right, there's an unplacable ugliness to you that you can't fix and everyone will always notice.'
I don't know what I'd do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it'd make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
I'm afraid that's kinda just how it is... with the dating apps at least. If you're on a dating app, you're a disposable swipe. I had 3+ dates with this girl recently, and I was starting to think that this could be a thing, and then se fue. Silence. Not even a thanks. Anyways, that's kind of how it is apparently.
So here's my recommendation instead. Go and do shit. With other people. Don't try to date, try to open up the possibility for a date to happen. And then don't chase it, let it happen. Eg, go and learn salsa dancing. (As an introvert, it was a real hard thing for me to do (understatement), but it was so worth it.) Or join a hiking group, or Dnd, or pub quiz, or just anything that gets you into different social circles, meeting new people, where you aren't a disposable swipe, you're a team mate.
Also, don't read into other people. Sometimes people get busy with their lives, or have a crisis, a million reasons why they ghost you. It's not you, it's them. Girls don't take apps seriously either. They are expecting 99% of douchebags, and they would be 98% correct.
Final tip, get a gym buddy. That does wonders for ADHD, depression, confidence, energy, etc etc etc.
Tl;dr, apps suck, go get involved socially, work on yourself.