CW: suicidal ideation
Firstly, an apology. I've posted here a couple of times during low moments and then never followed up. Received a lot of helpful and sympathetic comments each time and it's kinda shitty I've never even updated my original posts about things being better (because they are).
Onto the meat. Between a couple of long-term relationships and long periods of not really looking for a partner, I hadn't realised I'd managed to get to my late 20s without ever having to 'date'. Both my serious relationships were friends that progressed onto the next level.
Emotionally, this stuff is devastating. Matching with someone who seems interesting and attractive, and they cannot/will not genuinely engage in conversation. Having an amazing conversation with someone in an evening, and then nothing ever again.
Worst are all the feelings associated with RSD when you're not sure there's even a problem. But you are certain there's an issue. How'd you explain that to anyone? How'd you explain that to them?
Idk why I'm posting this rant. I'm sorry for disturbing you all. I don't even want someone to tell me I'm wrong or right or anything else. Selfishly, all I want is for someone to tell me:
'Yeah, no, you're right there's something wrong with you in particular. You really will never be happy and you're right, you shouldn't be here. No, you're absolutely right, there's an unplacable ugliness to you that you can't fix and everyone will always notice.'
I don't know what I'd do if someone confirmed all my worst fears but I think it'd make me feel better? Like things made sense? Like I was correct about something for once.
Sorry again.
I'm a tad older than you, but I also had all my long term relationships come out of prior friendships. Dating is straight up toxic nowadays. Dry one-sided conversations where you feel you're the only one even making an attempt. Women randomly ghosting you after what seemed like good interactions. Some women who seemed genuinely interested vanished or got hostile when I suggested we split the bill on a first date. Women who's profiles say they are looking for relationships but when you talk it's clear they just want to hook up or try and use you as a wallet. Women who agree to dates and cancel when you're already driving to the restaurant or at the restaurant. Or worse the ones that just don't even show up or respond despite planning a date.
It's just exhausting and sad. At least as an average looking dude with a normal job and life. So many women these days seem to expect to be taken to HELLA fancy restaurants or they get offended when you try and take them to something slightly unusual/unique.
I deleted all the dating profiles awhile ago and I've felt so much better. At this point in my life I'm just gonna do my own thing and if I happen to bump into someone I won't fight it, but actively attempting to date had pushed me closer to suicide than anything since my deep COVID depression or highschool.
Best of luck out there man. It's a shit show for all of us don't worry.