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Am I expecting too much from my friends, or is this just a natural drift? (lemmy.world)
submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) by Grogon@lemmy.world to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee
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A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didn’t directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didn’t confront anyone about it.

At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Year’s gathering—but since then, things have gone quiet.

What’s happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they don’t regularly invite the rest of us anymore. I’ve noticed I’m no longer naturally included. We haven’t had a falling out, but there’s been around 4 months of silence now, and I haven’t reached out either—partly because it feels awkward after this long.

Since then, I’ve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and I’ve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe I’ve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.

Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, it’s been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but that’s as far as it goes. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.

So I’m wondering:

Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?

I’d really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiences....

It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldn't have time I'd think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I don't seem to fit in at all anymore.

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[–] MossyFeathers@pawb.social 9 points 2 days ago

Communication.

Communication, communication, communication.

A running theme I'm noticing is a lack of communication between you and your friends about what's going on. You're asking us to tell you if it's normal or not, yet it sounds as though you haven't reached out to them to say something like, "hey man, what's up? Everything good? Sorry I haven't been talking as much, how's life?"

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you're cis male because this is a thing common with cis men: most of y'all don't know how to communicate with one another. It's totally possible that the ones who still do things together are actively communicating in the background.

So... What's stopping you from hitting them up on Facebook, discord, telegram, signal, Whatsapp, etc?

What's keeping you from trying to help carry the torch?

Relationships are two-way streets, after all. It's exhausting when you're always the one to initiate with someone. Like, trust me, that's me. I'm the one who's always having to initiate. Even as a very outgoing gal, it's fucking exhausting.

The people who don't regularly respond to my messages or only respond in short statements are the ones I let myself drift away from. They rapidly drain my energy and I lose interest in talking to them very quickly. Why would you hang around a brick wall?

The ones where I always have to initiate but are otherwise communicative are the ones that stay friends. Sure, I'm the one who has to remind them of my existence, but they have lives, they may have anxieties, they will typically have something interesting to say whenever I talk to them.

The ones who initiate with me are the ones who I end up being closest to. Those are the ones where friendship (or otherwise) feels effortless and will actually restore energy when I talk to them. They're the ones who end up at the top of my friend's list.

Communicate with your friends. See what's going on in their heads. If you can't do that, then of course you're gonna drift away. Like, sorry to be blunt, but you may come off as a boring person. You gotta remind them that you aren't by talking about hobbies and whatnot.