A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didn’t directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didn’t confront anyone about it.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Year’s gathering—but since then, things have gone quiet.
What’s happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they don’t regularly invite the rest of us anymore. I’ve noticed I’m no longer naturally included. We haven’t had a falling out, but there’s been around 4 months of silence now, and I haven’t reached out either—partly because it feels awkward after this long.
Since then, I’ve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and I’ve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe I’ve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.
Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, it’s been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but that’s as far as it goes. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.
So I’m wondering:
Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?
I’d really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiences....
It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldn't have time I'd think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I don't seem to fit in at all anymore.
Yeah, it's pretty normal for social circles to shift over time. It's inevitable even. Jobs change, people move, have kids, get sick, get religion; life is ever changing. Permanence is illusion when it comes to people.
The older you get, the more visit change happens, no matter how you struggle against it. Just the physical aspects of aging shift social dynamics, as well as our inner selves developing along the chaotic path existence tends to put before us.
But, relationships take work. Doesn't matter what kind. If your coworker and you never say a word to each other, how well are you going to interact on a project? If you and your mom never send each other letters or texts, or make calls, it is a very difficult thing to make small talk at Christmas, no matter how much love there is.
Friends take work. And it has to be mutual (as opposed to family where it should be, but often isn't). If you're building a house, get busy, and don't participate in the group chat, how they gonna know you even want to talk? They'd have to ask, right? It's a two way street, and it often only takes someone pulling off to grab a slushie before the rest just keep moving on.
Like, with your house. There was nothing to confront anyone about. There was no need for discussion after the fact. They're friends, so you either reach out when help is needed, or you don't. Did you invite anyone over for beers n bullshit when you were done for the day? Should a good friend have at least checked in to see how you were doing? Fuck yeah. That's what a friend does. Maybe not every day, or every week, or even every month. But if the other parties didn't put in the basic effort at friend stuff, then they weren't friends, they were just people you know, and there's a difference.
But, in your thirties, keeping a friend group together is harder than it is when you're young, or when you start moving out of middle age. Shit is busy from the late twenties to mid forties for sure. So seeing most of the group at one place twice in a year, and only for events, isn't unusual. It isn't sustainable and still remain a group, but that's the age range where friend groups tend to drift.
Me? If you want back into the group activities, I say either ask to be included, or invite them into your life again. Life has things drifting, so grab a rope and see if someone grabs it, you dig?