World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking "Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down" and that's terrifying stuff to carry in one's own head. I just feel I'm part of the overpopulation and that there's no point of existing.
I have a kid and don't want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that's all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I'd like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn't help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that 'baking cookies in my car' thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
No problem at all, I actually like the feeling I get from sharing what has helped me in the past. And especially so if I get validation that my way of communicating those points comes across clearly and resonates with those who hear it. So thank you. And indeed, while DBT is absolutely not the most perfect form of therapy for everyone ever and has many valid criticisms (especially when its implementation on Borderline Personality Disorder is combined with the fact that unreasonably many autistic people โ of which an even more unreasonable percentage are women โ are being misdiagnosed as BPD, and that having such a diagnosis is and will be a stigma causing further hindrance in actually getting across your own opinion of being autistic to those in their ivory towers), it has many ideas and ways of implementing those ideas (what to do when and how to deal with feeling down or negative emotions?) that should be taught to children in early childhood (preferably by a primary caregiver) globally. Or at least that is where all my problems in my personal life have arisen: I have strong emotions, but no-one ever told me what to do when they come, so I did what everyone in my country had done since at least the last war: engage in harmful behavior with alcohol and other substances.
Ah, you were embraced by the touch of the 'tism since before birth also? Same here, same here. And yes, I hear you. If I could I would make the universe as I see fit; just and good, and so nothing would ever have to change again. But that's not possible now, is it? So all we can do is accept this state of existence, and embrace the world and all living things in it (except the intolerant) with all its inherent contradictions and illogicality. But I get you with the "sticky thoughts", and I find it a valid concern when speaking of like work and income stuff on a broader sociological scope. There's a fine line, though, between having a valid concern for the future of yourself and your family and other close people, and needlessly ruminating on things beyond your comprehension.