this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2025
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People are very bad at explaining what they like about things, because usually they like things in contrast to things they don't like. And people who do identify what they like positively often just get told that their input isn't welcome, either.
The problem isn't whether someone is focusing on negative aspects of what you're playing or the positive aspects of what they are, it's that discussions about minority systems are often just puked up onto people who weren't asking. The conversation is often:
"Hey, how can I do [thing] in [game I'm playing]?"
"[Game you're playing] sucks at [thing]/isn't designed for [thing]. You should play [something else]."
"But I like [game I'm playing], and don't want to convert to a whole new system."
This means not only is the asker's question being totally ignored, but they're being hit with -- sometimes even bombarded by -- value judgements they weren't interested in.
This is called the X/Y problem. You ask "how do I use X to do Y", and the answer is you don't. You don't even want to. You want to do Y, and just assumed that X is how you'd do it. So the answer might actually be "don't use X."
To some people, they see your question as "How can I do [thing] in [game that does not do thing]?" Since they see it as an inherently flawed question, they try to fix your root issue and explain how to do [thing]. It's not the answer you wanted, but it might be the one you need.
I will admit, some people just like to shit on [game you're playing], and will take every opportunity to hype up [game they're playing]. But just as often, I see people defending [game they're playing] just because they're already playing it. And there is no harm in playing multiple games.
I have a game on my shelf built for pure fight scenes that can't do downtime (Panic at the Dojo), and a game built for wholesome slice-of-life that doesn't let you do combat (Golden Sky Stories). They simply cannot do what the other does, and I wouldn't like either of them as much if they did.
The thing is, this applies much less firmly to an imagination game where you can easily bolt on a sub-system to do that one thing you wanted to do differently than, say, if someone wants to beat in a screw with a hammer.
And yes, maybe there are people who want to gut their whole game and rebuild it from scratch for some reason, just because they really love sailing on their ship of Thesus, and would be better served by trying a new system. But if they don't want to do that, someone trying to redirect the conversation in that direction are going to be viewed as hostile and smug, not helpful.
I have seen people try to add systems to D&D to let them play Dragon Age within the system. I have then turned my head to the left and looked at the Dragon Age RPG on my shelf. If you want to play Dragon Age as a TTRPG, I'll tell you the easiest way to do that. No gutting, no retrofitting, no ship of Theseus...
If you see that as hostile, that's on you.
It's not on them, though. They didn't ask if there was a Dragon Age RPG, they asked if they could play Dragon Age in D&D.
Those are different questions.
And here's the thing. You can't really tell them "no", because they know it's an imagination game where the rules are whatever the table decides upon. They're not asking if, they are asking how.
Like, there are ways to reditect people, but just ignoring their question to jump straight to their underlying problem when they don't acknowledge that solution doesn't open them up to listening. It shuts them down, it makes them defensive, and it ultimatelt makes them hostile to your suggestions.
That's not "on them", because that's a "you're kind of shit at communicating" problem.
See, that's the point of the XY problem. They asked the wrong question.
Playing Dragon Age in D&D simply would not work. Even after a significant amount of effort, you'd either end up with something entirely unlike Dragon Age or something that barely resembles D&D. So I have to tell them "no" or I'm lying. And if someone stops listening and considers me hostile because I'm not willing to lie to them, then it's absolutely on them.
They didn't ask the wrong question, though. You're seeing a solution they do not want and do not care about then blaming them for not listening to the unsolicited advice.
The problem isn't on their end.
No, they definitely asked the wrong question. If they ask "how can I do [thing]", it assumes it's possible to do [thing]. But if they can't do [thing], the question is invalid, and there is no correct answer.
Honestly, the way you put it, it's like they don't actually want to fix the problem. They just want their solution to be right. Anyone who doesn't tell them what they want to hear is the REAL problem, even if what they want to hear is a lie.
Do you want me to lie?
But they definitely can do the thing, because it's a game of make-believe. Again, this is not hammering in a screw, it's mental systems for deciding how imaginary doings transpire.