long post
I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.
If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.
I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.
Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless."
This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It's also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.
I've been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don't fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that's sticking to 5 year old level politics and what's the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don't fight will lose, but it's so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.
I don't know.
Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that's something they don't want, because that's what's good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don't see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.
I'm living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I'm seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I'm always the odd one that lacks potential.
"If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose."
yup. I always lose.
If you're a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I'm overreacting, it's not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?
But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?
I don't mean the question as a financial one: I'm a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I'm not unemployed, don't have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I've been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener...
It's about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don't bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.
My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don't know if that would be good or bad. It's not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.
Welcome to being an adult. We all think it’s asinine. Some people get wrapped up and completely engrossed in it. They make petty office politics their entire existence. Some people play the game but only to rise through the ranks. Some people stay out of it. You don’t really fit into any of these categories, it seems. It kinda just sounds like you’re a bit of a dick. That doesn’t make you ND, some people are just kinda dicks.
And I don’t mean that as a slight. Some of my best friends I would classify as being dicks. But it’s everything else you bring to the table that matters. Are you so good at what you do that people put up with it? Or are you just kind of a dick with no redeeming qualities?
Finding reasons for being unlikeable or off-putting doesn’t change the fact that that’s how people see you. You don’t sound ND, you just sound like you don’t care to change. That’s different.
It’s not impossible to make people change their minds. Just be nice. That’s all it takes. The qualities of a nice person aren’t constantly changing and impossible to follow for ND people. You’re just making excuses.
the people who criticize me are not that important to me that warrant I change to some version of what they consider better. I've reached a point where it doesn't make sense anymore to try to be a better, more knowledgeable professional but simply finding a job where people leave me alone. At least I'd be happier.
I guess I'm full misanthrope now
I guess it's 'good' I can 'change' if I so decide? but really, change, for what?
Read Books on ethics, not a book about whether you being rude and off putting means you’re neurodivergent.
You don’t have to socialize. But being a decent person means sacrificing your comfort for others’ sometimes. I’m definitely a huge introvert. But just because I’d rather be alone doesn’t mean I’m an asshole to others. Some people don’t get introverts, it just doesn’t compute for them. You can choose to be an asshole to those people—they’re not doing anything to try to hurt you—or you can choose to be decent. You’re just choosing the former.
you seem to imply there's something like a middle point between fully socializing and being decent, which I guess means talking but less? Is this so?
We all have to interact with people. That’s living in a community. But when you do, being nice is all it takes. “He’s a really nice guy, he’s just kinda quiet.” This isn’t an uncommon thing to hear about others. It’s literally a common type of person. But then there are assholes. The way you’re describing it you just don’t care to be nice and you’ve found an excuse in neurodivergence that you’re latching onto.
if you mean I have to do this I shouldn't even waste my time and look for jobs where I work alone. Step 2 is already Get to know your coworkers which for the most part, are irrelevant to me. And I can't fake that.
Saying hi is not enough?
I have no problem with those who have something interesting to say but most of them for the most part care about stuff so asinine it makes me want to kill them and then myself.
Either I learn really fast to deflect very successfully or I start working alone. To keep my sanity.
Spoiler alert: none of us actually care about how anyone else’s weekends were or how the other person’s kids are doing. You’re just being intentionally obtuse and tedious
got it, you ask to fake interest in the other person so he feels valued. Seems ridiculous and a waste of intellect.
It seems the best I can do is working alone. These rituals are way too complicated for me.
See, you do understand. The farce that you don’t so you can label yourself ND is idiotic