this post was submitted on 03 May 2025
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[–] WhiteRabbit_33@lemmy.world 47 points 11 hours ago (22 children)

There are a lot of different types of poly relationship structures and different names for them. The base unit of relationship is a standard couple where 2 people are together. Add another person in and they can either be in a relationship with only one of those people and form a "hinge" aka "V" or be in a relationship with both of those people and form a "triad" aka "throuple". As many people as those involved consent to can be added this way.

Most of the time it's one person who is in a relationship with multiple people who are each in relationships with multiple people. This forms a "polycule". Where you have the people you're in relationships with aka your "paramours" and they have the people they're in relationships with aka your "metamours". This group of relationships can take many forms and can be drawn out into a cool diagram like a molecule, hence the name polycule.

The people you're in a relationship with can break up with you like in any other relationship and vice versa. It's more complicated when you add in housing situations if you're all living together, multiple people are all dating each other, or if two people are married.

Using one of my breakups as an example:
I've been in a triad where one person broke up with the other. I was then put in the middle of their breakup drama. I set a boundary of not wanting to deal with their drama/shit talking of the other. One of them kept breaking that boundary, so I broke up with that person while still being in a relationship with the other. Luckily I was living with the person I stayed with or that would've been way more complicated.

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[–] Anomalocaris@lemm.ee 50 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

gets voted out

slowly takes out an immunity totem i found in a charity shop.

[–] match@pawb.social 29 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

the immunity totem is the part of the lease where it says your name and not everyone else's

[–] Anomalocaris@lemm.ee 12 points 11 hours ago (3 children)

it must really suck if sudently 2 boyfriend, 3 girlfriends, and 3 non binary partners decide to risk homelessness rather than stay with you.

[–] Hugin@lemmy.world 2 points 6 hours ago

I've seen some bad poly breakups. Once where the three all had a falling out. They jointly ownend the house they lived in together. Three were a few months where they all would just stay in their room as much as possible.

One of them finally managed to get a loan to buy my friend out of her share. Now she refuses to be dependent on a partner for housing.

[–] HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

Look accordion practice space ain't cheap and the master walk in closet has a 5 gallon water heater I can sit on while I play. Helps burn the stress after nightmares.

[–] qarbone@lemmy.world 4 points 10 hours ago

If all of them cannot pool together and find another place, then shit's bad enough that you might not notice. As you now will be paying rent on whatever house y'all were sharing.

[–] nebula42@lemmy.zip 122 points 19 hours ago (5 children)

in case anybody who doesn't know, poly doesn't mean everyone is dating each other. Someone in a poly relationship can date someone who has no interest in dating their other partners. ofc a good rule of thumb is that everyone in this metaphorical web should be able to sit down and have dinner with each other without being mean or violent with each other.

[–] ThatGuy46475@lemmy.world 20 points 12 hours ago (2 children)

So it’s like de-federating

[–] VitoRobles@lemmy.today 11 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago)

Explain relationship between people using the Fediverse. Please and thank you.

[–] spacesatan@leminal.space 7 points 10 hours ago* (last edited 10 hours ago) (1 children)

Fuck, I'll never be able unlink federated social media and polyamory in my head now.

[–] Excrubulent@slrpnk.net 6 points 9 hours ago

Fundamentally they both come from anarchist ways of thinking. If there is no higher order or rule, and nobody has any veto power over anyone else, then the only thing left is to manage each relationship on an equal footing.

Poly for me is about the fundamental idea that nobody gets veto power over anybody else's relationship, which means exclusivity simply doesn't happen. It's just like if you had a friend that said you weren't allowed to have other friends. That would be weird, and there's no real reason why romantic relationships should be any different.

[–] Hugin@lemmy.world 1 points 6 hours ago

Yeah people not dating their partners partners is much more common than everybody dating everybody.

[–] DomeGuy@lemmy.world 52 points 18 hours ago (3 children)

While this is certainly a valid form of romance, it's more accurately described as "non-exclusive simultaneous relationships" than a single "polyamorous relationship".

Some people really do live in multi-partner committed households, but those seem most often to be dominated by a single person, such as fringe Mormon polygamy. And the most common form of "polyamory' is probably "affair-tolerant monogamy."

It's a big complicated world, and variations of how humans with form intimate relationships fills all possibilities when there is no enforced legal prohibition. (And,.sometimes, even then.)

[–] vapeloki@lemmy.world 14 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

As a poly person: no, it is not a "affiar-tolerant monogamy". That is an open relationship.

Polyamorous partnerships are far more committed. Also, sex is not always a part of it.

Of course there is the concept of a primary partner, but there are lot of poly folks that thislike this idea.

But what all of those relationships have in common: there is no case where only one partner is poly. All is about communication and consent.

And to the core topic: There is this thing like a polycule. A network of people with somehow connected relationships. Breakups in those structures are often consensual and no big fuzz. But if it gets dirty, at least in my experience, the offending member of the polycoule gets shown the door. And most of the times, those are the new ones. People that think the could convince their partner to get monogamous because they are the only one that is needed.

Sorry for the long post, you hit a nerve there ;)

[–] DomeGuy@lemmy.world 4 points 10 hours ago

No apologies necessary*. I certainly wasn't trying to offend, just be accurate in model setting.

A more accurate umbrella term for "affair tolerant monogamy" would probably be "non-monogamous", with the dividing line between that and "polyamory" being exactly what you said : all persons in the relationship cluster knowing the stances of all other participants.

Accurate and non-offensive terminology can be hard.

It does circle us back to OP, though. The answer to "what happens when one couple breaks up in a polucule" is a loud and emphatic that depends on what type of polucule you're in.

(*: no apologies needed from you. To the extent that I caused you any distress I sincerely apologize. Causing pain was not at all my intent.)

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

I engaged in the "affair-tolerant monogamy" variant when I was younger. I discovered there's a positive curvilinear relationship between amount of drama and number of romantic partners. I am sometimes barely able to handle my own incidental drama, so it didn't last more than a few years.

[–] peoplebeproblems@midwest.social 13 points 14 hours ago

Having been divorced from one monogamous relationship

That graph sounds plainly exponential rather than needing its own coordinate system.

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[–] lugal@sopuli.xyz 4 points 14 hours ago

I know people living in a "polyamorate" or something, so they are as a group of people in a relationship

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[–] straightjorkin@lemmy.world 44 points 18 hours ago (3 children)

Imagine getting broken up with by 2 people, both with non-binary haircuts. I'd probably jump into a river and become a trout

[–] FancyPantsFIRE@lemm.ee 4 points 10 hours ago

This vaguely reminds me of the song Fish Sticks by The Heligoats:

You were baptized in a river

I was thrown off a bridge

Then I landed on a crab you slept with seahorses

I started having seizures, you started having kids

You found your inner self, I found my inner fish

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago) (1 children)

I dove into the desert and became a sand trout.

[–] hakase@lemm.ee 15 points 16 hours ago

The Golden Path!

[–] BreadOven@lemmy.world 13 points 17 hours ago

B E C O M E T R O U T

[–] termaxima@programming.dev 28 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 3 hours ago) (2 children)

It is pretty rare for my partners to date each other, so most breakups are usually “normal“. Even when they do, one breakup only concerns the two people involved, unless something really bad prompted it, which has never happened to me directly.

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[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 21 points 20 hours ago (9 children)

I wish Caprica wasn't cancelled. I liked their portrayal of a poly group.

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[–] baltakatei@sopuli.xyz 17 points 19 hours ago (3 children)

Is there a poly equivalent of something like the Magna Carta?

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