Ask Lemmy

What is this 'society' nonsense? You can express your desires and feelings without having to explode, that's the solution. And when you eventually do, because you're human and mistakes will happen, apologise profusely and understand "the work" is not yet done. Also whatever you propose is not only a denial of your own humanity, in vain and for your own detriment (and immature too, which is not a good look!), but also the kind of things dudes try before they shoot up churches and festivals.

You are human, after all, a social animal. You're gonna have to open up as calmly as you can when the situation calls for it, instead of not saying anything because you don't feel brave enough to be vulnerable (maybe you feel like the people around you will only misunderstand you and make it worse?), so resentment doesn't add up in the background and you don't end up exploding. And I'm not just preaching here, I'm speaking from experience!

I would suggest that you try to process those swallowed emotions at a later time. Ask yourself why these things bother you, can you let them go, do you need an outlet to relieve them. Maybe you can relieve that pressure before you blow.

I get on GTA or Just Cause 3 and start blowing shit up.

With out most respect - is there any chance that you are one of the people who is so hang up on being nice that they never think about other people?

https://youtu.be/g7RAPS8mE94

The trick is having people with whom it is safe to voice negative thoughts and opinions. Generally it's the same people who confide in you. There are also other ways to vent that pressure a little bit in the short term, but expressing that negativity to other people is not really replacable.

For guys (as I assume you are), this can be very hard to find, or to build these kinds of relationships for cultural reasons, but it is fundamentally necessary to being an emotionally healthy person.

You voice the small negatives on an ongoing basis so they don't pile up to the point that they're explosive.

Getting a therapist, so you have someone you're paying to hear your negative thoughts and feelings can make it easier to start. Its often hardest at the beginning because when you first start voicing the things you've bottled up ongoing, the intensity will generally be higher than is pleasant for people to be around, and you kinda have to let off enough emotional pressure for a while before the intensity comes down. A therapist could be helpful in doing that without having to unpack the culturally ingrained masculine discomfort with vulnerable or uncomfortable emotions (in some ways, in other ways therapy is harder. But it's private and comes without the normal social expectations of being positive)

Good luck! This is a really hard thing to work through for a lot of men, as a society we really set men up to fail in this way

You are not your thoughts, nor are you your emotions. You are the observer of those things. Somebody presses your buttons, but it is your choice whether or not those buttons fire. For example if a child said some hurtful things to you, would it have the same impact as an adult? I should hope not. What is stopping you from viewing somebody as a child, especially if they are acting like one?

In addition to cardio, try breathing and cold water. Always breathe through your nose, even when running. Try to breathe through your nose as a cold shower takes your breath away. Or go for the full ice bath. An ice bath tells your body (the producer of anger emotions and chemicals), “hey, I’m in control here, you are not good at assessing threats”. The mind follows the breath, or the breath follows the mind.

But if I’m being honest I’ve always had a hot temper, and what is really helping me is Lithium. It allows me to observe anger without being overwhelmed by it.

You have to do something physical. Run, do some intense workout with cardio and weights, wail on a punching bag. Maybe all 3.

Let your brain focus on something that isn't words in your head, and exhaust you physically, and you'll quickly learn how inconsequential other people's petty BS really is in the grand scheme of things.

Without having your specific details hard to tell...

But I will drop my two cents. Don't be a social retard and rage at people esp after holding something back.

Handle things as they come. If somebody doesn't like it they can get fucked. You will notice over time that people who don't like you bringing up your concerns as they happen usually were there to fuck you over.

Authority doesn't like to be challenged and this is one of the tactics used by authority to suppress reasonable discussions. Then when pleb explodes, it is his fault.

Not sure if this is applicable to you but if youa te dealign with somebody in position of authority given this some thought.

Have you tried just not exploding? Like, maybe turn your emotions off so that instead of exploding in rage you just feel a vague annoyance? It's called alexythymia, and I highly recommend it; it makes shitty things much easier to deal with.