No Stupid Questions

Former relationship and sexual therapist here. (Disclaimer: Not your therapist, haven't practiced in 15 years and my post graduation practice experience is limited)

First and foremost: My view is very "Western" - a central European one to be more exact. I intentionally do not try to include cultural differences here as I simply can't get that right & would find it offensive to only get that "50% correct".

Just a few thoughts:

• The age gap between you two is 13 years. That is far from insanely high. While generally the life situations and life experiences tend to differ more massively from 15 years difference and above it's not a thing that stands in a way of a loving and meaningful relationship. I would not recommend to rule out partners just by an age difference (of course with the caveat of everyone being a mature adult but that doesn't apply to your situation here)

• I personally hate the notion of categorising meeting a partner into "dates". For example: I had colleagues that met every day for a coffee break for a year, went to lunch (always with other people present) for ages and then moved in together. Formally they never were on a date. (Nowadays they are married with children) So personally I wouldn't worry if it is a date or not. (But if you force me to decide I would consider it one)

• To be honest: The way you describe what you said raises a lot of red flags towards a potential partner - please try to see the same conversation with switched roles: Imagine you want to meet someone and get to know them. Then they tell you right away they "need" someone they can marry in a short time and want a lot of kids. While I am all for telling people about life plans early on it is something different on a first encounter and can often be perceived negatively.

• That he does not feel ready to get married is more understandable from my point of view - it's often hard for some people to imagine themselves in a marriage/commitment when they don't know the other side of the "contract" yet. I sometimes used the analogy of buying a car: "Imagine signing a contract to buy a car. Some people need to see the exact car they are gonna buy in front of them. Others are happy to buy it from the dealers catalogue."

• I think mentally"checking" boxes is an issue here: Don't get me wrong, it's something I have often encountered, especially in wZoman. People often tend to "paint a picture" of their dream partnership inside their head, often from a very young age, often influenced by media, stereotypes and cultural norms. (In women in western cultures it often "had to be" the partner who makes himself "worthy" by a grand romantic gesture, etc.) This often leads to people mentally checking "boxes" - a trend you often can observe on social media. We all know the stereotypical "needs to be over x cm, has to earn at least x, etc." posts - and is something that is somewhat more prevalent in professionals with a high qualification m, but unlike the classical Social media meme these tend to do it in a more subconscious way. To give you another example: I once had a client who met a man at a social work gathering and ended up in an "occasional" casual sex situation with him. She was devastated at some point - the guy was according to her fantastic in bed, really nice and caring, had a stable social life and very obviously liked her a lot and would have loved to take things further. But she had the criteria "none from the same field as mine" and "none shorter than me" in her head and pushed him away so often that it ruined what they had.

• Generally: Life plans change. Fast. Incredibly fast. And you will be constantly reorganising your life plans all your life,I promise. Because we simply don't know how things turn out. Imagine the following:You keep on meeting, because two months are two months. He turns out to be "the love of your life"(professionally I have to add that this doesn't exist - we can find multiple love of our lives, even at the same time). Would you reconsider moving then? Or maybe he would reconsider moving? Or maybe you would keep things alive with a long distance relationship while you make things work in a totally different location?

• In terms of sexuality: As written above, this is from a Central European point of view, but: There is a mountain of scientific evidence that "waiting for marriage/the "marriage ready" long term partner to initiate sexual activity" is a bad idea - for woman. Why? There are multiple reasons: Sexuality is a very primal activity. We all know the countless reports of women who are not getting the attention and care they deserve in bed from their partners - and often the same partner is "loving" outside sexual activity. But: Besides that being literally unsatisfying and building resentment, there is also some evidence that these unbalanced relationships tend to become "unbalanced" outside the bedroom as well over time. Basically the "bedroom" infects the rest of the "house". Furthermore sexual activity must (and this is an underlined must) be compatible. Every human has a scale of sexual needs that is somewhere between 0 and infinity. While it's often the easiest for couples that have roughly the same amount of sexual needs and enjoy similar activities these positions change over time - life finds a way (especially with children) to fuck with hormons,minds,etc. But a successful relationship must find a way to deal with that. I had a asexual client whose wife had a very high libido. They made it work (by opening up their relationship). I had couples who both had a high libido but hers changed after pregnancy. (A classic). The thing is: They knew where they were standing. Last but not least(I don't believe this point applies to you,btw): There is always the danger - for both sides- that attraction is mistaken for love. We see a lot of couples worldwide who marry in similar circumstances just because they are attracted to each other,not because they love each other - but discerning love and bodily attraction is really hard at times, especially when it's "your first time). (Anecdotal: My indian friends have been married for 35 years, lived in 6 countries and have 3 kids and she once told me:"Well, we proposed each other to our parents, mainly,well, quite blantly, we wanted to do naked stuff. Luckily once that lost it's initial appeal we learned that we also love each other. Pew, that could have ended catastrophic!")

Does that mean I recommend you go out there and sleep with him or someone else right away? No! (Triple underlined and in thick letters!) But there is a big range of things between "not doing anything " and "full on PIV sex" and I will repeat what I always told my clients: "If everyone is consenting, an adult, not intoxicated, in a safe place and it feels right: Keep society and social norms outside your bedroom." But please, please don't marry someone before you had at least some sexual experience with this person.

So would he like to sleep with you? I would say: Yes. And that's not a bad thing: I went on countless dates in my time with both man and woman. And not once did I not want to sleep with the person I was in a date. But was that a condition right away? No. But sexuality and bodily attraction is part of a relationship and of course it plays a part whose interesting and whose not.

So. What's my advice in the end? Get a second date. See where that's going. Be open. Try to think out of the box. You have literally nothing to lose. If it ends up leading nowhere: Well,you had a few nice hours, didn't you? Isn't that a good thing? If it becomes the grand love that one of you will topple his life plans for? Well cool. And if it ends right away? Well,bugger,but no harm was done.

Its not crazy to wonder if he wants to have a relationship even though it can only last two months. You can ask him if he considered that a date. If he says yes then you can tell him what kind of relationship you are looking for and that it wont work for you.

It's funny how people are not able to grasp why OP is concerned to be perceived as such, cultural differences I guess.

Just be safe OP, japan stalking ke liye bahut famous hai.

I think it's impossible to assume anything at all. With cultural, age and gender differences, it's difficult to figure out what the intentions of another person are, unless they state them clearly. Neither you or he did that.

As a guy, I can assure you that guys do not understand subtle hints or can even logically deduce where this casual acquaintance is going from what you have already described.

You'll need to be very clear. Maybe then he will also tell or show you his own intentions more clearly.

But first you need to know yourself what you actually want to hang out with this guy for and if it's worthwhile maintaining the friendship for whatever reason. It makes sense if you have mutual interests or benefits from keeping in touch. However, my best guess based on your description of him offering a back massage is that he might have more romantic intentions than you. In that case it's best for both of you to be brutally clear and end his hopes instead of "friend-zoning" him. It might feel unpleasant, but it's crucial to be clear. If he reacts negatively, well, there's your answer.

Pretty much everyone in this thread is being dumb. The solution to your problem is this: talk to him. Literally just pick up your phone right now and text him - "hey, when we went out for coffee, ummm... I feel awkward asking this, but, was that a date?" If he says no, apologise for assuming and continue enjoying his company as a friend. If he says yes, tell him you like him as a friend and appreciate his interest, but that you aren't interested because you are moving to a different city.

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I wouldn't say you sound like a narcissist but this does sound immature. "He wants to sleep with you" and "he just wants to sleep with you" are two different things. It sounds to me that he likes you and wants to spend time with you, and maybe-probably also wants to sleep with you. Is that enough for you? It's enough for some people, though obviously not for everyone. Either way, talk to him about it.

Is there any comfortable way to bring up this topic without making me sound like a narcissist who assumed a guy wants to sleep with her just because he asked her out🥲.

I'm less interested in knowing his motivation than I am in your motivation for saying yes and going out with him. Whatever is motivating you to go out with him, that is what you need to communicate, rather than just saying "I'm not going to sleep with you."

At what point can you possibly have come up with "He just wants to sleep with me"? You two went to a café, shared your current life situations and plans for the future, and left amicably. Unless youre leaving a LOT out about what he said, that is a baseless assumption.

As a happily married 39 year old I look at the modern dating scene with horror. I think that he probably doesn't "just" want to sleep with you, he probably just likes having someone like you in his life. People can be complex, we construct these binaries that simplify things, reality is more complicated. If you enjoy hanging out with a person, do that. Don't lead him on just to get to go on nice dates, and also be aware that he might be a pig that does just want to sleep with you. Maybe he mentioned going on trips to try to entice you into a relationship. Don't get into a position where you feel like you owe him anything.

The age difference is pretty big but there's a lot of loneliness in the world. So maybe talk to your mutual friends, does he have a history of chasing younger women?

This can't be judged well from afar imo.

My wife and i also got together two months before she was supposed to move to a different city. If people genuinely love each other, commuting and making things work is possible and people have done it before. In the case of my wife the different city didn't work out after all. When we got together it started with us trying to talk ourselves out of it, because of all the reasons why it should not work. Now we are going strong since more than 5 years.

Life reality doesn't work in terms of "now i will date and now i will find a suitable partner" or "now is not the time". People who limit or push themselves like this end up sabotaging themselves imo.

You will have to trust your guts on this. It is set that you will move. If he is serious, he will find a solution for this. If he is that rich and he is unhappy where he lives now, there is no reason why he shouldn't be able to make it work that you life in a different city. If he doesn't, then it isn't meant to be.

The age difference is an issue though in the sense that his life experience makes it easier for him to control situations and make promises not to hold up, than the other way round. This does not mean that it has to be the case. You should see to judge him by his actions, not by words.

Might sound like a crazy take, but if you just make sure you (only) do what you want and are clear about your intentions towards him, you should be fine.

If you want to have a drink from some casual company until you leave - do that.

If you want some steamy sexy time for one night and then leave - again, do that.

If you really like the guy and might actually consider some sort of longer relationship - guess what, do that.

Just be clear and honest, towards him and yourself. That way he can decide what he wants from you.

And as all engineers know: assumption is the mother of all f*ck-ups, so avoid those at all cost.

This age gap fails the check for me

37 / 2 = 18.5, 18.5 + 7 = 25.5

If someone that old who can't get someone around his age, but is suddenly interested in younger people... That's just someone preying on naivety.

Maybe I missed something but nowhere in this discussion do you mention whether you want to sleep with him? Even when people sort of prompted you.

If you fancy him, take it to the next level. I imagine he's keeping it light for plausible deniability in case nothing happens or he gets rejected.

Either make a move or tell him you're not interested in a relationship. Figure out your own intentions instead of trying to mindread him.