Asklemmy

My grandfather: "Life is hard only for those who are soft."

"How'd you seem to be this morning?"

Oh man... this takes me back.

My grandpa used to always say to us kids, "I'm going to go upstairs to have sex with your grandmother".

"You make a better door than you do a window." ...Anytime we got in front of the TV.

"Tables are for glasses, not asses."
~ My grandpa, whenever someone sat on a table.

Mom says that my great grandmother had a notorious potty mouth. Whenever she'd get up off the chair she'd yell "oh, this heavy ass of mine!" ("Ay, este culo tan pesado!")

My mother’s requests for us to calm down escalated over the years: “Cool your jets” “Don’t get your underwear in a wad” “Don’t get caught in your zipper”

My grandfather was always "fair to middlin'"

When they didn't get a hug first, we'd get "What am I, chopped liver."

"Save every five minutes and never buy Packard Bell."

My grandmother would describe the phenomenon of raining while the sun is shining as The Devil beating his wife.

"Pull my finger."

Whenever we got a minor injury like on our knee, he would tell us "I can hurt the other one so you can't tell which hurts more"

When we would go fishing, he always ended up sitting on a "barking spider"

The one I borrowed from him to great effect is "beer has water in it" whenever he was told to drink water

Everytime my Nana would send an email or leave a voicemail, she would sign off "Ciao for now!"

The same one I'm still using today: "Kill all Nazis."

The good old days weren't always so good

"... So I said, 'I do too know how to dig a hole! I say [racial slur], dig me hole!', Hahahaha!!!"

I learned more than I wanted to as a kid...

(Insert place) was so empty you could throw a cow through it!

"Because God loves Ireland!" after any question they might no tknow the answer for

Whenever my Grandfather, a WWII combat veteran, saw something he didn't approve of: "The things you see when they don't let you carry a gun any more...".

My other Grandfather didn't really have any funny phrases, but my Nana when she didn't approve of something would just use the "Well, that's a how modern people do things I suppose". It was really the only complaint she'd make, the only time I ever saw her lose her temper with someone was the day I got into a traffic accident and she had to be physically restrained from going after the driver for hurting her grandchild hahaha (I was the passenger).

From my grandma, Est la Fromage, such is cheese, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s bitter, sometimes it stinks like Limburger.

In like Flynn.

What does that even mean?

My grandma, having to call for help but doesn’t know who of the many kids are around: hey, hey human who was named

Translation takes away from it.

"Putang ina." ("Son of a whore")

They said this charming Filipino phrase whenever I did something stupid. So, often enough to count as a catchphrase.

Don't pass up the opportunity to have sex or take a shit: you'll always regret it.

Mz granddad used to say "Life is hard and unfair." whenever we complained about stupid shit.

"Things are the way they are."

Seriously.

I was raised by my grandparents.

My grandfather was the cook most of the time, and he was always trying new recipies he found online: in years, I don't think I ever saw him cook the same meal twice.

Everytime he'd taste something new, he'd enthusiastically comment "it's different than usual!" (Rough translation from French "ça fait changment!")

To this day, I have no idea how good or how bad he thought any of those dishes were.

Take me out back and shoot me.

It probably doesn't translate very well. But my grandfather always said something like "If you don't behave I'll put your head between your two ears" and us kids would always giggle and say that it was already the case. I often use that phrase now.