this post was submitted on 15 Aug 2023
169 points (98.8% liked)

Not The Onion

16167 readers
1307 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 22 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Hypnos9@artemis.camp 23 points 2 years ago

We really do live in the weirdest timeline...

[–] olorin99@artemis.camp 21 points 2 years ago (3 children)

Woah jetpacks are actually a thing now? Where do I get one?

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 22 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Go to Peru and meet the cartels. They have advanced technology they use to steal gold and set up illegal dredging operations. And they've dressed like lizards in bright green and gold armor. And the jetpacks just glow red and fit underneath the feet. It's all very efficient and nothing to do with aliens.

[–] yukichigai@kbin.social 22 points 2 years ago

Go to Peru and meet the cartels.

I think I'll pass, thanks.

[–] Ichipurka@lemm.ee 6 points 2 years ago (1 children)

In Peru, cartels are just DMT entities…

[–] resketreke@kbin.social 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

More like cocaine entities.

[–] AffineConnection@lemmy.world 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)
[–] resketreke@kbin.social 1 points 2 years ago

That's a cocaine elemental!

[–] reflex@kbin.social 5 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

Woah jetpacks are actually a thing now? Where do I get one?

These guys make one.
Jennifer Connelly not included.

[–] GlitterNinja@lemmy.world 5 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

I thought the first link was going to be “and it starts right now” jet pack guy.

Not sure of Lemmy etiquette - Do I just paste the link? this guy

Edited to make the link look nicer

[–] Carighan@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago

I mean they have their own drug-runner submarines. You underestimate how big and professional cartels are.

[–] FlexibleToast@lemmy.world 18 points 2 years ago (2 children)

What is being mined that is so profitable that the miners commute with jet packs?

[–] Catoblepas@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 2 years ago (1 children)

It’s much more likely they’re trying to harass the indigenous people off the land rather than using it for commuting.

[–] FlexibleToast@lemmy.world 2 points 2 years ago

After thinking about it a bit, I thought the same thing. It's still a pretty nuts idea, but it could work.

[–] INHALE_VEGETABLES@aussie.zone 1 points 2 years ago

Children, it would seem.

[–] emptyother@programming.dev 9 points 2 years ago

This is a plot of the new MiB movie, right?

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 5 points 2 years ago (1 children)

These gentlemen are aliens. They seem armored like the green goblin from Spider Man. I have shot one twice and it didn’t fall. Instead, it elevated and disappeared

[–] spaysi@sh.itjust.works 5 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Ahh yes, the much more logical explanation- secret gold miners with jet packs are harassing a local town! Because? Reasons! 🤦🏽‍♀️

[–] Catoblepas@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 points 2 years ago

Yes, humans with human made technology that has existed for a few years harassing indigenous people is the more logical explanation. At least as long as the alternative is aliens coming to harass indigenous people in the middle of nowhere, who just happen to live in an area where over 100 illegal mining operations have already been shut down and where 80% of the illegal mining in the country is.

This is some sci-fi bamboozling shit right here and I’m all for it!

[–] csolisr@communities.azkware.net 3 points 2 years ago

This one sounds a lot like the plot for an episode of Scooby Doo