Like, if she asks me some question that I'm afraid to answer, I literally just freeze. I also find myself in the mentality of "it's not worth talking to them unless they're forcing answers out of you".
My parents almost never say anything nice about me. To them I'm just "the bad one". When they criticize me, most of the time I just roll my eyes and say nothing unless I'm required to because in most cases, either they've probably said it like a million times (and I still couldn't fix), or it's something that I don't agree with, or it just makes me angry and gets me in the attitude of "it's not worth talking to them about this". Of course, I do try to listen when it's something legitimate.
They also used to control me a lot. Like, they'd always be controlling my studying, and ask me for my grades (or just log into my school account and check my grades directly) and yell at me and/or be dissapointed when I got bad marks. Hence, I used to lie a lot to them. When I got into university, this simply eventually got unbearable for me, I ended up resisting - getting in fights with my parents when they tried to spank me, putting a new password on my school account, and putting a new lock on my door which now requires a key in order to unlock. They eventually gave up on trying to control me.
However, I don't have any problems getting along with or talking to anyone else outside of my family (I guess because my friends have been a lot nicer to me and more accepting).
My parents also openly criticize anything that I like, calling me a weirdo, especially my mother who I personally think is a people pleaser. I used to go running and biking a lot (and I mean like a few km's of running and maybe like 10 - 20 km on my bike), and mom used to call me crazy for that (although I don't do it as much now because I have school). I have also developed a hobby of playing around with vintage technology and developed a love for walkmans and cassette tapes, and mom just calls it junk and again calls me crazy. Personally though, if I like it, I don't mind anyone calling me a crazy weirdo, but sometimes it just gets to me.
I've been wanting to be more independent and would rather them not have to do anything for me. Like I've recently learned how to cook some of my own food (and I do so when I have time and when there's nothing that's already cooked in the kitchen). However, my mom still calls me selfish when I procrastinate and don't do certain things because she thinks I expect her to do it even though I never really asked her to do it. I don't really know if it's valid or not, but my mom also calls me selfish when I go into the kitchen at around 11 PM to grab some food (when I'm hungry and I usually try not to do that but I sometimes come home very late) and says it bothers my siblings who go to bed at that time, but I guess they could just put in ear plugs and eye masks, right?
I still unfortunately live with my parents and I've really wanted to move out, but I couldn't because I've never had a job and so I could never afford to live on my own. I've been trying to find a job now for like half a year, but with no success.
Part of me also just wants to be more open with my parents and have a nice relationship with them, but another part of me thinks that it will probably never happen and that I shouldn't give them too much info. Is it still possible to fix before I eventually move out? Am I also selfish like my mom says I am?
Ok. Overly dramatic? I don't know. Some of my siblings sleep on the same floor as the kitchen on a couch in a room with no doors (because we have a lot of people in a small house). I try to be quiet and not make too much light though and not to go to the kitchen when they're already sleeping.