this post was submitted on 03 May 2025
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The Onion

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The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

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[–] Justas@sh.itjust.works 2 points 6 days ago
[–] gaja@lemm.ee 40 points 1 week ago

I bit the onion.

[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 21 points 1 week ago (2 children)

You know the weird shit about this headline? If it hadn't been from The Onion, this could have been a real statement from RFK Jr.

[–] SausageWallet@lemm.ee 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

As I was scrolling the post up and read the headline, I was completely ready to believe it actually happened until I scrolled enough to see the link to the onion.

[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago

Indeed. It would be 100% fitting to this guys other ... blurbs.

[–] thebestaquaman@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Years ago, I would have immediately recognised this as an Onion article. Today, I have to admit that I didn't recognise it before clicking on the link and seeing the page.

Recently there's been multiple onion articles that made my heart drop in the moments before realizing it was the onion.

And then one actually wound up being true days later

[–] Alexstarfire@lemmy.world 16 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Does this make Game of Thrones a documentary, or a nature program?

[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 6 points 1 week ago

With that amount of nudity, it’s a NatGeo series now.

A documentary. Like Jurassic Park.

[–] Flames5123@sh.itjust.works 14 points 1 week ago

Dragon these nuts across his face!

[–] Tilgare@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago

The man has chased his share of dragons - we can trust him on this one!

[–] aeronmelon@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I’m researching how to sneak a Komodo dragon into RFK’s bedroom so it will eat him while he sleeps.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmy.today 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Komodo hunt by biting a limb, then waiting for the target to die from infected wounds after several days. No restful sleep for RFK, not until the moment is nigh.

[–] AnUnusualRelic@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago

The komodo bacteria will have to compete with all the weird shit that's already in his body though. So it's not a sure thing.

[–] Sibbo@sopuli.xyz 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Wait till he hears that dragons are from China.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I don't think that that's the case. I remember reading something about theories about independent development of dragon traditions based on discovery of exposed dinosaur fossils.

kagis

Wikipedia says that the earliest stuff we have records of are from the Near East, but that it's not clear where origins were. Possible that they independently developed.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragon

Draconic creatures are first described in the mythologies of the ancient Near East and appear in ancient Mesopotamian art and literature.

Nonetheless, scholars dispute where the idea of a dragon originates from,[11] and a wide variety of hypotheses have been proposed.[11]

In his book An Instinct for Dragons (2000), anthropologist David E. Jones suggests a hypothesis that humans, like monkeys, have inherited instinctive reactions to snakes, large cats, and birds of prey.[12] He cites a study which found that approximately 39 people in a hundred are afraid of snakes[13] and notes that fear of snakes is especially prominent in children, even in areas where snakes are rare.[13] The earliest attested dragons all resemble snakes or have snakelike attributes.[14] Jones therefore concludes that dragons appear in nearly all cultures because humans have an innate fear of snakes and other animals that were major predators of humans' primate ancestors.[15] Dragons are usually said to reside in "dark caves, deep pools, wild mountain reaches, sea bottoms, haunted forests", all places which would have been fraught with danger for early human ancestors.[16]

In her book The First Fossil Hunters: Dinosaurs, Mammoths, and Myth in Greek and Roman Times (2000), Adrienne Mayor argues that some stories of dragons may have been inspired by ancient discoveries of fossils belonging to dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals.[17] She argues that the dragon lore of northern India may have been inspired by "observations of oversized, extraordinary bones in the fossilbeds of the Siwalik Hills below the Himalayas"[18] and that ancient Greek artistic depictions of the Monster of Troy may have been influenced by fossils of Samotherium, an extinct species of giraffe whose fossils are common in the Mediterranean region.[18] In China, a region where fossils of large prehistoric animals are common, these remains are frequently identified as "dragon bones"[19] and are commonly used in traditional Chinese medicine.[19] Mayor, however, is careful to point out that not all stories of dragons and giants are inspired by fossils[19] and notes that Scandinavia has many stories of dragons and sea monsters, but has long "been considered barren of large fossils."[19] In one of her later books, she states that, "Many dragon images around the world were based on folk knowledge or exaggerations of living reptiles, such as Komodo dragons, Gila monsters, iguanas, alligators, or, in California, alligator lizards, though this still fails to account for the Scandinavian legends, as no such animals (historical or otherwise) have ever been found in this region."[20]

Robert Blust in The Origin of Dragons (2000) argues that, like many other creations of traditional cultures, dragons are largely explicable as products of a convergence of rational pre-scientific speculation about the world of real events. In this case, the event is the natural mechanism governing rainfall and drought, with particular attention paid to the phenomenon of the rainbow.[21]

Sounds woke with all that multiculturalism and rainbows. Only 'Murican dragons for real 'Muricans.

[–] qarbone@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I fully ate the Onion with the headline. Absolutely no doubt, just resignation. Only coincidentally saw the community.

[–] LSNLDN@slrpnk.net 1 points 1 week ago

Same, so plausible these days

[–] LustyArgonianMana@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Candace Owens doesn't believe in dinosaurs, he may as well think this, we live in profoundly stupid times

[–] SaharaMaleikuhm@feddit.org 1 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

What's more dumb? Not believing in dinosaurs despite us having bones to prove their existence or believing in dragons which aren't that far off from the dinosaurs? I guess the crazy thing is believing dragons exist on earth right now and they are living somewhere unbeknownst to man.
And besides, space dragons are way cooler anyways.

[–] DogPeePoo@lemm.ee 4 points 1 week ago

The Hungarian Horntail— Oooooooo!!!

[–] MunkysUnkEnz0@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago

I eat the onion again. Damn you.

[–] supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 3 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Dragons exist, they are called attack helicopters.

This isn't a reference to that shitty gender joke, it is just an observation that dragons are reptile attack helicopters with their range nerfed.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Hmm. I'm not entirely sold that a flamethrower would be an effective weapon against a modern main battle tank.

[–] supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 3 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Do you have ANY idea how hot a typical dragon fireball is??

Besides, Fire Dragons are mostly cooks, glassblowers and welders.

Anti-Tank Dragons are most typically Rust Dragons or Mud Dragons.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 4 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (3 children)

Do you have ANY idea how hot a typical dragon fireball is??

Hmm. No, I don't.

considers

Hmm. I mean, it's orange, right? So figure black-body radiation determines the color.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black-body_radiation

So maybe something like 2000°F, 1100°C?

But I'm more thinking that a tank probably has a lot of thermal mass, and I figure that the dragon probably isn't keeping sustained fire on the thing for all that long. I mean, I've no doubt that dragon fire would be horrific in an anti-personnel role, but against heavy armor? It's gonna take a lot of energy to heat that up.

EDIT: I feel like a "how would the 1st Armored Division do against Smaug" would be a good !NonCredibleDefense@sh.itjust.works question.

[–] wise_pancake@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 week ago

Does the dragon fire deplete the tank of oxygen?

That could cause engine issues and crew issues, depending on duration.

[–] supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I am sorry... but you do know all Fire Dragons are classified under Magma Breathers right? Do you honestly think dragons shit on their entire food chain, topple kingdoms and hoard rich people stuff, gems, jewels, rubies, the swords of kings.... just to emphasize how little they give af..... by blowing hot air?

Yes Fire Dragons can easily blow hot air the way a roaring fire can easily blow hot air up into the sky, but if you think that is all Fire Dragons can do you need to educate yourself.

No, they create a quantum tunnel to the heart of a nearby magma chamber and then dispense it directly onto the face of whatever they want to melt, I feel silly even having to explain this honestly.

Prove me wrong and drive a tank through this I dare you

https://youtu.be/grVuuaecwgA

[–] irish_link@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago

I will admit I had to scroll back up (or do a double take) to realize this was no real.

That is sad.

[–] floo@retrolemmy.com 2 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I just binged Game of Thrones, so now I am an expert!

[–] wise_pancake@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 week ago

You just need twenty good men and ballista and you can kill all the dragons easily

[–] baggins@beehaw.org 1 points 1 week ago

So you know the difference between. Wyvern and a dragon then?

[–] sudoer777@lemmy.ml 2 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Funny enough I know people IRL who are right wing and think that dragons existed

[–] DoubleSpace@lemm.ee 1 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] sudoer777@lemmy.ml 1 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Basically and I think also from a Joe Rogan podcast. My Christian high school also taught about them in science class and pulled photos from shady websites to convince people most of whom actually believed it.

[–] CanadianCarl@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 week ago

My older brother thought dragons existed, because of this "documentary".

[–] Rice_Daddy@lemmy.world 1 points 1 week ago

Chinese propaganda depicting dragons as 'lame floating snakes with mustaches'. I'm so offended! 😆

[–] nerv@lemmynsfw.com 1 points 1 week ago

Of all things, that would be the least dangerous of all to suggest.

[–] altphoto@lemmy.today 0 points 1 week ago

I knew this was fake as soon as I saw the logo.