this post was submitted on 17 May 2025
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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.

The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.

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[–] Pnut@lemm.ee 1 points 1 hour ago

"what kind of name is Lindsey for a man? Ash! Get this pansy out of here."

[–] Bloomcole@lemmy.world 1 points 2 hours ago

male personnel with feminine names can also cowardly bomb brown children from a safe distance.

[–] MonkderVierte@lemmy.ml 7 points 4 hours ago (1 children)
[–] Anomalocaris@lemm.ee 5 points 2 hours ago

hate how possible onion articles are nowadays.

[–] Zenith@lemm.ee 14 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

So… if I want my son to be spared from the draft all I have to do is give him a traditionally masculine name like Kelly, Courtney or Ashley?

[–] RedSnt 3 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago)

if I want my son to be spared from the draft

Or Donald Trump.

[–] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 70 points 20 hours ago

You got me. It's just so plausible at this point, I ate it.

[–] miss_demeanour@lemmy.dbzer0.com 38 points 20 hours ago (1 children)

Sponsored by Lindsey Graham.

[–] someguy3@lemmy.world 8 points 15 hours ago

What you expect him to go by a different name? The teacher will have to report this to the parents.

[–] Dadifer@lemmy.world 22 points 20 hours ago

I ate it. It tasted like... fascism.

[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 16 points 20 hours ago

Well, my daddy left home when I was three
Didn't leave very much to my mom and me
Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze
Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Sue

[–] ToastedRavioli@midwest.social 12 points 20 hours ago* (last edited 20 hours ago) (1 children)

Whats hilarious about this is that senior commanders would be more likely to have “girls” names considering names tend to flip back and forth gender-wise. Any young Lindsay you meet today will likely be a girl, meanwhile you have old dudes like Lindsay Graham in the senate

Leslie is another one

[–] dontpanic@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

Mitch McConnell’s actual first name is Addison.

[–] WizardofFrobozz@lemmy.ca 1 points 2 hours ago

J.D. Vance’s first name is Jethica

[–] small44@sopuli.xyz 1 points 12 hours ago

They can come to canada to serve

[–] Hobbes_Dent@lemmy.world 1 points 13 hours ago

Are you the guys on the beach who hate everything?

[–] throwawayacc0430@sh.itjust.works 4 points 18 hours ago* (last edited 18 hours ago)

Brb, changing my name to I can avoid getting drafted

(Kinda wished this was real, that'd be an epic uno-reverse)

[–] MisterOwl@lemmy.world 3 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago)

There's gotta be a Jody joke in there somewhere

[–] HappySkullsplitter@lemmy.world 3 points 20 hours ago

We're looking at you Terry