Ask Lemmy

Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.

Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.

BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.

First : sorry you are going through this.

Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.

Third : yes you have shitty people around you

The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.

Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.

I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.

My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.

That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.

In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.

I was in a similar situation about 8 years ago. Married my dream girl, she seemed perfect for those years of flirting and dating. Didn't really notice that she'd slowly separated me from my support network. After we got married it was like a switch was flipped, I was always on the defensive, everything I did was wrong, I was always the bad guy. Woke up one day feeling like it'd be better if I just wasn't around anymore. Stewed in my misery for months before realizing one evening that there was a source of my misery. Spent another couple of months feeling too embarrassed to do anything. Then one day she was giving me shit over some nonsense and I just blurted it out. It wasn't easy, but things slowly got back on track. I focused on myself and what was in my control, got back in shape, found time for hobbies I'd left behind, brought myself the joy that was missing. Now I'm happily married to an amazing woman who's provided me with an equally amazing child and it's hard for me to even remember the anguish I was going through.

Obviously our situations aren't the same, but I just wanted to share and let you know that things get better. Some friends will filter back in, some won't. Any mutual friends I had with my ex are just gone, she made sure to put barriers between us with shit talking and lies; fuck them too, they weren't true friends.

Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren't really friends anyway.

Without knowing more about you, it's hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.

One possibility: you didn't cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their "intimate relationship energy" into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.

Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.

Maybe it's due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone's in their early 30s, they're probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn't leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don't already have deep ties with.

Maybe it's a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don't teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don't, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.

I'm not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won't help you as much as figuring out what to do next.

She's lying to your friends just like she lied to you. I know this from experience. Sucks and it's not your fault man. Sorry to hear.

Bro. I am gonna be real with you.

I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.

It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.

It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.

It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.

I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.

But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce..... People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.

Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.

I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.

I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.

I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.

It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don't feel the same about you and then realize you don't even know who you are anymore.

Are you even someone without this person?

Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.

I'm sorry you don't have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.

Please stay strong. Please keep looking.

Please find yourself again.

They're not friends, they're acquaintances at best.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, hopefully you can find some better people to put your energy into. If not, Lemmy is a pretty supportive place. Sometimes strangers are nicer than friends.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. The truth is, nobody cares about a man's suffering. There's something in a man's weakness that repulses most people. Even people that like you and would love to see you do good. When I went through the same I realized the only people who care are close family, people who can relate and people who have some interest in you. It sucks but you must know it's not about you.

That being said you have both sides to take into account. Your so-called friends are not your friends and they never were. Period. Erase them from your life. They deserve even less thoughts than your ex. When the chips are down they showed you what they were about. Now you know how worthless they are. Some people are not as lucky and stay in toxic and superficial "friendships" for years and that stops them from finding actual good friends.

And, non withstanding all that, a depressed and sad person is not a good company. It brings you down. And that's OK because we make sacrifices for the people we love. But if the person is in a vicious cycle of negativity and always complaining to the same person, it gets tiresome pretty fast. I'm not saying it's your case, it's just something to keep your mind on. Friends should support you but only you can actually fix yourself. Usually time heals everything but, if it's not, it's your responsibility to take care of your mental health (therapist, psychiatrist, etc). There's only so much a friend can do for you. And don't put all that weight on one person. Spread it around.

And stop talking crazy about ending it. It hurts. It's one of the worst pains I ever felt. It's almost unbearable. But it does get better. And eventually you will feel whole again. It's a hard road but there is paradise up ahead. But for now you have to walk through hell to reach it. But I promise you, it will be worth every step.

Shitty friends.

hey man, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

some people in here are taking the view that society is less kind to men than to women. everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess.

I wanted you tell you though that I share your experience to some extent; I went through a breakup maybe 6 years ago and I lost almost all of my closest friends in that breakup. I'm not even on bad terms with my ex, lol. but it did just shake out that way. I've needed to build new roots, and I've had to do some introspection and learn how to go about building roots (partly since I'd moved to a new place).

hang in there. I don't really want to say "let yourself move on" because your story is part of who you are, and right now that breakup and that rift with those friends is such an immediate and intense part of your story, but I promise it will become much less immediate and less intense with time.

Yep.

Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

Those aren't your friends and never were, good people don't treat each other like this.

Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.

You're still young, there's loads more out there now! I've found as I've got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there's loads to live for man.

If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.

It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.

We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.

I got love bombed and stripped of my support network over time. After the divorce it took about 5 years to rebuild my friend network. She’s still the same as she ever was. I kept being myself, and I’ve bloomed as a strong member of my community and my life is much better than coming home to play a grey man for a narcissist.

It. Will. Get. Better. Celebrate the freedom from a bad situation. Be who you are, and the best version of that. I spent days crying in the beginning, but I went through it and I’m strong now. Hopefully you find that seed in yourself as well.

People tend to side with the woman in a separation. Its the side effect of a patriarchal spciety: Toxic Masculinity. Men are just expected to have no emotions and can handle everything on their own, which isn't true at all.

I feel the same. My parents tells me I need to "stop crying because I'm not being 'manly' enough". Like, bruh I have a fucking existential crisis and disagnose depression and really wanna kms right now. So I get it.

The Left hasn't doen enough to address the issues that men are facing, which is why the alt-right pipeline is so ripe for picking off boys to their fascist agenda. But please, remember, fascists aren't your friends, no matter what they say. Plese don't fall for the alt-right pipeline, my friend.

I think the left just needs to recalibrate their priorities. Society issues can only be solved with true Egalitarianism that supports both Men and Women.

I'm three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.

It, yeah, um... yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People's immediate family and lives all take precedent.

I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I'm mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.

People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn't. Pet a cat.

Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.

Signed, another person with your exact same experience.

Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.

I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.

That sounds really tough and I'm so sorry you've been struggling. It's really good that you have a counselor and you're talking things through with someone who will help you learn how to advocate for yourself. The people in your life who were ghosting you might be a combination of shitty people and people who are afraid/uncomfortable with your new lifestyle. The only thing that matters now is tending to yourself and building a life that fits and feels right. Lots of good advice on here about finding hobbies that keep you engaged and will support you in finding new friends. If anything I'll be your friend and check in with you, so hit up my dm's anytime.

Younger dudes who haven't gone through shit aren't able to empathize with what you are going through. They don't have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.

With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.

Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?

Those "two" possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.

People generally don't go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.

I've never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it's a start.

Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.