The Onion

SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault workshop. “Mr. Brand has an incredible range of experience he can share with both students and the local community alike,” said New College of Florida president Richard Corcoran, adding that the school would be conferring an honorary degree upon the British actor, whom he lauded as a leading scholar in the field of nonconsensual studies. “He’s a freethinker and a free-doer. Gifted young sex pests who would like to attend ‘Touching Without Permission’ can register now. Mr. Brand has promised there will be plenty of hands-on experience.” At press time, reports confirmed the college had been forced to postpone the workshop after new charges were filed against Brand in the state of Florida.