We're often caregivers, rescuers, and support others. Who here has got stuck trying to fix someone?
I'm stuck trying to fix myself.
this post was submitted on 26 Jun 2025
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I get that Hilde, it's easy to get stuck on our journey through life and our own healing
I've got really stuck doing this with a friend. She had various MH issues that she didn't try to fix or manage right. Without realising it I was feeding her care seeking which was bad for her... we had a really tiny disagreement and she immediately cut me out of her life. It was awful, and I'm more cautious now.
I am a fixer by nature and by trade.
I'm big for advocating not to fix your partner, because then you aren't partners, but I've spent so much time so deep in the shit that the other day my boyfriend was saying this really sweet, emotional thing about how I "saved" him, and I had to very carefully censor myself because to me, his problems were just... they didn't even register. Among other professionals, I've called it "cute." Like to what I'm used to, his problems were the equivalent of "I can't find the mate to this sock" and I found it in the dryer.
Of course, his feelings are real and valid and justified, and his worst day is still his worst day, so there's no force on earth that could make me belittle his joy and gratitude but... yeah. Barely even registered that I was "saving" him.
Which says a lot about him, and a lot about me.
Fun fact; I think this is my first comment on Lemmy in like 2 weeks. Ya girl busy. Promise I still love ya. Just trying to save the world and doing full time college which was biting way too much off to chew.
We've missed you flicker! Sounds like you'd bitten off too much, college and world saving is a lot. Kudos to you for doing it. Have you managed to do what you needed to?
No, but I have been surviving, and honestly that's enough for now!
Thanks babe. ♥
My third boyfriend; he was happy never changing and for a while I was stuck unable to leave him out of love and after he broke up with me. It tore me up inside but now looking back; I honestly don’t know why I stayed with him for as long as I did.
It's difficult. There's a lot of pressure on us to be in a relationship and the "partner fixed him" narrative is common in popular culture. It's easily done
20 years of riding the carousel of "if only he'd stop drinking". Hopefully we can purge "fixing the broken person who then becomes our one true love" from our collective narratives. His choice of drinking doesn't make him a bad person in need of fixing. My choice of leaving him doesn't make me a bad person. It's just that we use different coping mechanisms that don't align.
When I encounter residues of the "fix him" narrative in my mind I just imagine it the other way around: I'd be so annoyed if somebody tried to fix me, I want to have the freedom to make my own mistakes in my own time, not be rushed into a 'more enlightened' version of myself by some shiny savior!
You showing him that kindness says good things about you. I agree it's a narrative that needs purging!
“but I can fix them” gurlll no u can’t, bitch leave their ass