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A confounding issue is the apps themselves have gotten worse over time. Like, old okcupid you could search. You could type in like "final fantasy" or "the Mets" and find people who liked those things enough to put them on their profile.
Now you're limited to whatever the app decides to give you. Well, the app doesn't want you to leave so that incentive doesn't line up.
A lot of the more popular ones, okcupid included, all got bought up by Match Group and almost immediately started trending anti-consumer in their updates or removal of features. They want you paying, they don't give a shit about success.
100%. Match group should be broken up.
It's an especially insidious type of monopoly to me because it deals with relationships, they can manipulate millions of people, affecting the creation of their families and kids.
Close, they actively fight success. Legally obligated to, even. It’s their fiduciary responsibility to keep you using the app.
You also had decent profiles where you could write more texts about you. That could give you an idea of who that person is. There is a difference between "Tea or Coffee? - Tea." and "Tea or Coffee? - I like green teas but also some black teas like assam. I sometimes bake scones to eat with the tea." A lit of modern apps don't even give you the option to show your personality more.
Looking forward to getting back on dating apps at 38
Look, I did it at 47. Take the time to make a good profile, ask for help on pics and be an authentic you. It’s a mess out there, for those that never try.
ask for help on pics
I would like to second this point, especially if you're not practiced at taking selfies. I've seen some fine looking men IRL whose profile pictures looked like potato.
It doesn't have to be this way. People like to help, and most would be happy to see you meet someone special. Might as well ask.
If they aren't divorced they are probably crazy.
Target the divorced MILFs. That's your best bet. This also applies if you're a cis-het woman.
I still remember when bumble had to change their entire premise and business model because as it turns out women are worse at starting conversations than men lmao.
I wholeheartedly believe that the Internet and smart phones have been the biggest double edge swords in human history. We have the entire globes collected knowledge at our fingertips with the ability to connect with any other person on the planet instantly and it has caused the largest shift in loneliness and depression ever.
Humans simply are not wired for social media and the Internet. Seeing every single person you know posting themselves beautiful and dressed up doing the coolest things 24/7 will make anyone feel ugly and like they aren't doing anything with their lives. It takes real focused effort to remember that people (generally) only post when they are doing something special and what you don't see are the days or weeks between posts that show they live the same boring life you live.
I'm ranting for no reason. I think when we lost in person social gatherings as the primary method of meeting new people is when society kicked that concrete block off the cliff. Right now we are just waiting for the rope to snap taught and drag us all into the abyss.
I’ve been curious if a government-run dating app could do better - if its goal is to achieve genuine engagement, not cycles of frustration that boost subscription rates.
This is one of many subjects where capitalist concern ruins the product (and that’s not even something I say as often as others on Lenny)
Honestly, 90% of the need for dating apps would vanish if people had more free time away from work and well-kept public spaces for entertainment that didn't expect you to purchase anything.
So rather than a government-run dating app, how about a government-sanctioned 4 day work week and well kept public parks?
I run a social club for gay men, and we've talked about coming up with an app that's run by a non-profit, with social workers on the board, that's designed to actually connect people, not keep them glued to the app. Friendship, dates, activity partners, whatever.
I don't know why no one has come up with the non-profit model here but if I can get enough steam, we're doing it.
Ha!
As a middle aged man you think its great for us? You think all the hot, sane, independent women in their 30s and 40s are strugging for options? If you're on there theres a 80% chance that you're no catch either.
Last time my dude showed me a bunch of profiles it was easily 50% "applications to be a stepdad" and 25% women with a checklist (6 foot tall, good living, own house, etc.) Like 6 foot tall athletic lawyers who own their own home are having trouble meeting women.
You think all the hot, sane, independent women in their 30s and 40s are strugging for options?
You'd be surprised..... My wife is in a professional dance company full of single ladies ranging in age from 20s to late 30's. Most of them are on the struggle bus when it comes to finding a decent partner who isn't a lazy bum or a rampant misogynist.
Tbh most of the dudes in long term relationships with the dancers are just regular everyday dudes. Imo the bar is pretty low nowadays considering that like 1/3 of dudes have been brain poisoned by Joe Rogan/Jordan Peterson.
I saw a girl on tiktok say something similar about how after a shit day at work she will look at hinge and be even further upset about the people who have liked her on hinge, as though this is all she deserves in life.
It sounds extremely depressing out there these days.
Welp seeing as how garbage dating apps are due to being optimized to keep you using them instead of actually finding a longterm partner, and all being owned by about 2 or 3 different holding companies...
Might as well shoot my shot here:
36 m, opinionated autist seeking female autist within ... i dunno, +/- 5 my age.
(trans fem ok, ambi gender ok, just please don't be a fully advanced, PHD level bedroom = pigsty goblin)
For more details, see my comment history.
oh honey...
I think we should make dating apps even worse, and just let humanity die out naturally.
This reminds me of the conversation I had with my co workers the other day. They basically warned don't do to your 10th/15th year class reunion, especially if you're in a relationship. All the girls who were used to constantly being in demand suddenly... aren't. And they're HORNY. And not in a very good way. In a very sad/depressing way.
I'm always surprised to hear people unimpressed with others on dating apps. A couple of my friends have shared their "feeds" and I was struck by how many good-looking people are out there. But they would swipe away from just the smallest turn-offs becoming deal breakers. Like if I saw these people in real life, I would think of them as average looking at worst, many being remarkably attractive. This is in the 20s to mid 30s range like the tweet. I definitely understand deciding you're incompatible based on politics or religion or culture but most of the time it would be for minor quirks. It felt like they were spoiled for choice in my eyes.
But then again, they're in serious long term relationships with conventionally attractive and supportive partners now so maybe being picky pays off. At the time, their reluctance to settle was a very frustrating experience for them.
Reluctant to settle, spoiled for choice, great ways of describing the situation.
the apparently-bottomless firehose of faces that makes you desensitized, the anonymous dismissal of them makes you callous.
The apps are just another dopamine slot machine, so the companies don't care and in fact would rather keep people in their app.
Dating is hard for everyone in one way or another, and, speaking as one, several ways for those who look pretty dead average but have trouble socializing and really only go between home and work. I don't even feel like I'm that picky; no cigarettes, no kids, yes empathy, and a complementary flavor of weird/neurodivergence.
It’s hard for weirdos to find other weirdos because all weirdos have some level of social anxiety. Ask me how I know.
Millennial here. Have recently dabbled with the apps. Honestly the guys I was shown were not objectively bad looking. Many of them were pretty attractive. But not my type at all. My interests were books and video games and nerdy sweetness…and it kept recommending me muscle gym divorced military dads. So I gave up.
As a single (Maybe neurodivergent?) 30 year old male, what other option I have?
Whats it like in general? I uninstalled after I realized I can only pull porn bots shilling Instagram. I rather just die alone.
I’ve given up entirely on relationships at this point. Anyone who is willing to date a trans guy is “poly” and I am absolutely done with that shit.
Hookups suck but it’s a distraction from how shit the world is.
In my 50s and I don't bother anymore. It's just not worth the hassle. In my 30s I would have had to send out 100 messages to get 1 date. It's so much worse in my 50s.
I don't think 29 year olds are millennial, are they? Or is this an older meme?
We're kind of in-between generations but I think most of us have more in common with millennials than with gen z.
'96 is often cited as the cutoff year for millennial, so they'd be mixed 29/30.
How do young people meet new people these days? I met my husband while at work. Became official via Facebook status.
Here's the great part; you don't! (I am American and only going outside for vital activities anymore)
When woman say, that men are poor quality commodities it's funny you see?