This is a safe place to discuss, vent, support, and share information about mental health, illness, and wellness.
Thank you for being here. We appreciate who you are today. Please show respect and empathy when making or replying to posts.
If you need someone to talk to, @therapygary@lemmy.blahaj.zone has kindly given his signal username to talk to: TherapyGary13.12
The rules for posting and commenting, besides the rules defined here for lemmy.world, are as follows:
If BRIEF mention of these topics is an important part of your post, please flag your post as NSFW and include a (trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, death, etc.)in the title so that other readers who may feel triggered can avoid it. Please also include a trigger warning on all comments mentioning these topics in a post that was not already tagged as such.
To partner with our community and be included here, you are free to message the current moderators or comment on our pinned post.
Some moderators are mental health professionals and some are not. All are carefully selected by the moderation team and will be actively monitoring posts and comments. If you are interested in joining the team, you can send a message to @fxomt@lemmy.dbzer0.com.
ugly
Thats okay! Lots of people of all genders are!
skinny
So you're not fat?
bald
Patrick Stuart. No excuse.
heart issues
Sucks. Sympathies. How does that relate?
no heavy physical work
I don't understand why this is in here
how can i just focus on
Okay imagine meeting yourself.
You really want to like this guy. What do you focus on? What'salmost there?
Alternatively: hire a sex worker
heart issues mean i cant go to gym and start lifting and stuff, so cant get in shape, im trying to do calistenics but they are not that good for getting big muscles
I mean, I'm not a doctor, but isn't cardio recommended for those with heart issues to strengthen the heart? Of course depending on the severity would determine the activity level, but I can't imagine many doctors recommend sitting around all day for your health.
Also, most women do not like big muscles. Men do. The people that compliment a bros body are other gym bros 99% of the time. Average women do not care about big muscles. Even if that was a deterrent for them, it just makes it easier for you. Who wants someone that vain anyway
... Okay. Most people dont have those. Its fine.
The other comments are solid.
I didn't meet my wife until I was 32. We've been together for 9ish years now and have had one major argument. It has otherwise been amazing and we compliment each other well.
At 25 I wouldn't have even been ready to "settle down" so to say, in fact I probably didn't get there mentally until 28 and still...life is a regular learning thing.
At 28 I had gone on a random smattering of dates that really made me realize what I do and don't like. I had decided I'd be fine being alone as well, which wasn't terrible. I had volunteer opportunities, a good job, and some local meetups I enjoyed.
I say all this to mean, don't give up but also like...the biggest thing for me was to hone what I wanted or didn't want. I am pedantic and picky as fuck, and I had hit a point where I was OK not finding someone but...that was exactly when that person was found.
My advice, you gotta do you, you need to enjoy life first. I don't care if it's a video game or a local pub with a specific dish or a park with a nice view. Figure out that list and then seize it at every turn, then hone it and expand it and sharpen it.
Being ugly is nowhere near the most important thing.
You can be mega hot but if you treat people like shit, they're not going to want to have meaningful relationships with you.
If you're constantly a downer that's giving off desperate-needy vibes, that's also going to turn people away.
Also 25 is really young, still.
Hey, that was me! Though I'm fat instead of skinny. The reason you can't get over it is because you want and deserve a relationship. I came to the conclusion that if I'm never going to have anyone in my life, I might as well join a dating site just to verify it, and lo and behold, I'm married now at 33.
Get a nice haircut, find some clothes that fit you well, and take some pictures of yourself doing things you like, then spend a few hours putting the effort into making an honest, well-thought-out profile on a dating site. Spend an hour or so every day really looking into potential matches, trying to come up with something to ask them about from their profile as a conversation starter. The more effort you put in, the better your results will be - if you send every girl a "hey," you'll never get a single match.
It'll take a while to get used to chatting with girls, and if you're like me you'll put your foot in your mouth a lot at first, but eventually you'll start getting some dates, and eventually you'll start getting some second dates. I won't say it'll be easy, but I look back on my 25 year old self and think how funny it was that I had nearly given up so young. You've got a lot of life ahead of you, and it's better with company.
Or give up, it's your choice, but I don't think you would have posted this if you really wanted that.
about nice haircut, im balding ;D i tried buz cut and fully bald but my head shape isnt that great so it looks odd, i had some haircuts that i liked but now my front hair started to recede so they dont look good anymore
Can't say I know much about what a good haircut looks like, but if you find a nice hairdresser, they'll usually have some ideas for how they can make it look nice. Facial hair is often a good addition if you can grow it. Remember that you're your harshest critic, especially when your self esteem is in the shitter. Chances are you don't look half as bad as you think you do, and asking for outside help can give you the perspective you can't give yourself at the moment.
This sounds far more a mental health thing than a physical appearance thing.
Critique: You have to be comfortable in your own head whether a relationship works out or not. If you have a decent job and are respectful you're already better than a lot of guys. Just as guys vary in how they rate a woman, women vary in how they rate a guy. Physical appearance is pretty low in this and most women are at least willing to give a shot to someone who checks other "boxes" in what theyre looking for. One box of that is not having to be your therapist. Yes, part of a relationship is leaning on each other but sharing the load is different to having to be carried. Another box is not feeling "settled for". It isn't good for either of you as settling makes one person feel like shit and devalue themself while the other yearns for something else.
Going up and talking to girls is already doing a lot better than many guys. However, only being able to converse about your own interests and hobbies makes things difficult. Finding someone who shares the exact same interests is unlikely and unnecessary to getting along. You need to be willing to listen about other things. It seems that due to age and environment you've had trouble finding the right types of people as shallow party girls are far from the only women around but at just 25 I wouldn't give up hope just yet.
One of the most attractive things about a person is being themselves. If you are self-expressive and happy in your own shoes, people will take notice.
I’m sorry feelings of loneliness have been so hard on you. When I was alone for 15-20 years, I focused as much attention as I could on volunteer work. It was extremely gratifying and helped take my mind off my loneliness. I eventually met my wife at a volunteer event without even thinking she would be the one. Sorry if this is corny, but I think Gandhi said “the only way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service.”
You do you... nothing that you have said seems insurmountable, to me. With some effort, you really can learn to ~~install Arch Linux~~ talk to girls.
But you don't have to do it today. Maybe define your parameters: take just ONE DAY, better yet a week, and not worry about it. Then, plan to pick it up again (put it on your calendar if you really need that) and spend some time (5 minutes? an entire hour? preferably while doing something that helps make it more tolerable - walk outdoors?) thinking about it. The plan to pick it up later is the secret sauce to being able to put it down TODAY: you can tell yourself that you WILL think about it, but that you just need to be patient and deal at a more opportune time.
Exercise makes virtually anything better btw. Heart issues or no, do what you can stand, maybe even right up to the line of what your body can handle, and while perhaps that same day you may be sore, the next day you will have had the endorphins coursing through you, and breathe better. I never ever want to go exercise, but I am always ALWAYS very glad that I did! :-)
Edit: also a note that if you are in the USA, some of what you feel right now could be related to... (waves hands) all of THAT going on.
thank you for kind words, you are right i dont want to burden anyone with my problems, but i just cant get this thoughts from my head... All of my friends already have some experience, and im not, Dont want it to be just experience tho, but most of them saying that those feelings are nothing that i can compare to, so im really curious and jealous of not having that level of intimacy. Im not from US, but my place is not good either, people are gloomy and mostly not friendly
i just cant get this thoughts from my head
If people could do that, it would be the end of our species. Like pandas who don't want to mate. Pain is a signal that something is "wrong". You have put so much of your life into your hobbies, interests, and career training that you have left yourself lopsided and in need of training in this other area. Conversely, some people pour themselves into "relationships" and thereby leaving those other areas undeveloped in themselves - career aspirations, developing their own interests/hobbies separately from their spouse, etc. You are not alone, nor unique in your path - even those that you envy might be looking over at you and envying YOUR freedom and ability to enjoy things on your own, which they (having responsibilities such as kids) cannot. "The grass is always greener on the other side..."
One thought: between the age of 15 and 25 is 10 years. It is too late to recover that lost time - all the interactions you would have had (discussions/conversations, dates, kissing, holding hands, etc.) Between now and age 35 is also 10 years, except you are smarter and can be more intentional about learning things than a 15-year-old. You CAN make up that lost time, probably in well less than half that time. By 30 you can have totally caught up, if not to other 35 year olds then at least to other people like you who are still 25, with your 5 years of intentional training in learning how to have relationships. Why are you giving up? Well, you do you and if you want to give up, especially just for now to take a break, then by all means do so - but I wanted you to realize that it IS possible, it is NOT hopeless!
There is a saying along the lines that to truly judge another person, you need to have walked a mile in their shoes first. You sound like you are disconnected from society in some ways - perhaps you have parents but do not feel comfortable talking with them, at least about such matters - so find others who can mentor you. Maybe join a "church" (the USA method of handling such matters, regardless of "religion", so find whatever equivalent is in your area, sorry but I would not know what that is even if I knew the country you were in, not having lived there myself), or something along those lines. I see elsewhere here on this thread that you seem to lack confidence in your abilities, like not wanting to show off your artwork. But if you do not step out then you will never grow. Find a way that works for you to engage with the world - it just HAS to be done, and you WANT to, right? So find a way, ANY way. You have already started by posting here:-). But online will never be enough - you need closer, more personal interactions, and to be clear I do not mean (just) women but rather older men who can help you, and quite frankly older women as well, who can help you in many numerous ways to learn to talk to younger & sillier members of the same gender. And maybe therapy if you can afford it, or just self-guided as you are able.
Pro-Tip: do not let your feelings master you. Feelings of jealousy are not "wrong" - they tell you what you currently lack - but they will often lie to you, like if you could just get this "one thing" then somehow you would be happy. But it will not. If you need proof, pay a prostitute to kiss you or even go for all-out sex - it will feel good(-ish) but will not satisfy that particular itch that you have. You need deeper than that, but even if you had a full-fledged relationship you STILL need more than even that. It is easier for us to see that from the outside than for you, who are younger and therefore lacking experience, to see it from the inside and in the midst of your emotional storms. You need to be connected to SOCIETY - friends, mentors, romantic partners, places & people for you to serve at & alongside with. Ideally you would have so many irl interactions that you would barely find the time to visit us here on Lemmy. But baby steps. Maybe start by doing your hobby without letting this bother you too much for ONE WEEK. And then... maybe another week as well, but eventually, see where that road takes you.
Also note that you are very judgemental. You judge yourself quite harshly, and not entirely based on facts - calling yourself "ugly" and not merely thin but the pejorative "skinny". With this attitude, you WILL destroy whatever relationship you manage to get yourself into - you will find some fault with her, and tell her about it, and she will feel deeply hurt and need to pull away from you. Your battle is not to find this acceptance and love from another person, but... if you are okay to hear this at this time, to find acceptance and love from YOURSELF. You have to give it to get it. Practice on yourself first?
I have no chance
You need to get out more. It may not improve your image of yourself, but it will lower your image of everyone else by comparison. You're a lot better than you realize. At least mediocre. And so is everyone else so you'll be ok.
Looks matter less and less as you age. It's far more important to have similar interests, morals, and lifestyle as your romantic partner. I know that's not much consolation in the here-and-now, but rest assured that you will absolutely find a partner someday if that's your goal.
Embrace who you are, as cheesy as it sounds, and turn your quirks into advantages.
Going bald? Who cares, I started balding from 19 years old, and at 21 I had a sizeable spot at the back of my skull that I could touch with one finger without brushing against surrounding hair. Figured I'd rather be bald than looking like a haggard whimp, shaved it the same day and never went back. I'm in my 40s now.
Heavy lifting/physical work: Pumping iron isn't the only way to get a defined and conventionally attractive physique. Look into exercises to build core strength and arm muscles through calisthenics, yoga, plank holds and the likes. Work with a trainer who can give you proper guidance.
Relationships: Not every relationship is built on love. There are transactional relationships just as well, which might be frowned upon in public, but depending on the source, 30-50% of men engage in them regardless. Might work wonders for your self esteem. Of course if you choose to do so, have your local legislation in mind, travel might be required.
As for generally embracing and grounding yourself, guided meditations are pretty neat. Sometimes offered through yoga centers (it's a good combination in general and a relaxing hobby that still works on your physical limitations). I probably wouldn't do either online, having a person to guide you along for the first few times is quite important. You might also run into like minded people there, which can help to foster relationships (looking at platonic here first and foremost, an active friends group really helps to build confidence as well).
Pour into yourself as you would a genuine lover. Encourage your hobbies, and self care. Tell yourself how special and worthy of love and proper care you are, and that's why you love you and take such good care of you. It will feel awkward at first because we're never taught to do that, and honestly, that's where everything begins and ends.
OP, I glanced at your profile long enough to read your post from a month ago walking away from a girl at the park. I don't know where you are or your cultural norms, but I stand by what I said. Also we are just human beings like you.
im trying to, but whole world just keep noticing how lonely i am, when i take a walk i see happy couples on the street, when i driving a car i keep hearing music about love and ect. And all these reminders messes with my thoughts.
I mean you're focused on what you don't have when the universe keeps trying to bring it to you, and you refuse it. It sounds like in some un/conscious way, you feel unworthy. Please find videos on Jung shadow work, the part of ourselves, good, bad, indifferent that we hide from ourselves because we think it's not ok. But it's okay! We all have challenges, things we like about ourselves and things we don't. When we see it, we can address it.
25 I was still pretty horny, your hormones are driving some of this urge. I'm not a handsome man by a few standards but I genuinely try to be kind. Pursuing hobbies, being friends with the women I meet and generally being a decent guy got me laid way more than I would've expected as a man your age. Marketing tells you to be tall with a six pack and a shitload of money.
However, you gotta get out there and have some interests that has at least some women in it. Eg my LARP club is about 40% women but my friends warhammer 40k group is 100% men. I do pilates for the exercise and have become friendly with some of the 98% female classes, I'm not there to meet women but I started making idle friendly small talk with the regulars. Good luck mate.