I was contemplating the idea death the other day and it didn't bother me. I'm not gonna kill myself, it would destroy my family and I love them dearly, but I wounslt be too upset if I died. My only regret is that I have boneitis, I mean, that they would be inconvenienced.

A search or 2 later and I read the article above. There's a difference between active and passive suicidal ideation. I'm not actively interested in ending myself, but not too actively interested in being here either.

I'm middle aged and taking stock of my life has been, on average, net negative. There have been some amazing positive moments! But it's like the peaks of a mountain - they don't really affect the overall average very much. Life has been a series of a thousand disappointments and emotional papercuts and I'm just tired of it all. A thousand minus one moments outweigh a single plus one hundred moment.

I used to talk to a therapist but I got to the point where i felt it wasn't helping. I know what the problems are and I feel powerless to fix them. It's like I have to run 5 miles to be happy, but I only ever have the stamina to run 1 and then it all starts over. I have no hope that it will improve. It hasn't most of my life, and why would it change now?