Your partner sounds like a complete asshat. They are being disrespectful of your shared space and gaslight and guiltrip you the moment you try to communicate. Childish behavior.
I would find a new situation.
this post was submitted on 18 May 2025
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100%. I was in this same situation for 3 years. It drove me crazy and partner was never admitting fault and always i was at fault. It’s fucked up to do that. OP is better off without
Partner is also suffering from depression so every freaking time I begged to please turn the tv off, it’s just ended in a 30 minute therapy session at home on how I can improve myself.
That does not seem particularly healthy.
he should be the one wearing headphones. you do not deserve to be gaslit into suffering through this poor excuse for "accommodations" for him.
multipoint bluetooth headphones exist. open back headphones exist. make him use them.
if he's not willing to budge, you'll need to separate the TV from your PC; one has to be relocated to a different room, preferably as far as possible. that plus shutting the doors should be the maximum amount of effort you'll put into accommodating your partner. if that is inadequate, i recommend couples therapy; or just dump him.
I have a set of oneodio cans with 3.5 and 1/4 TRRS plugs on opposite ears. Works great with both in, just a little muted. I've thought about trying it with my wife's which has all that plus Bluetooth and see how many feeds we can get at once.
The relationship advice special is “leave him.” Without additional information I don’t think it’s responsible for anyone here to say that, but what you’ve described is clearly an untenable situation and relationship dynamic.
I think you owe it to yourself and your partner to sit them down, describe this situation as you see it, and how their behavior makes you feel, perhaps the way you have here. Their response to your feelings should, I think, tell you the next steps.
Whether that response is workable should, I think, be determined by its impact on trust in the relationship, because trust is ultimately the only fungible currency that differentiates a good relationship from a bad one.
Concretely:
- If they disregard your emotions, disbelieve your experience, or disrespect your right to peace in your own home, this describes a dynamic in which there is no chance for compromise, and you have your answer.
- If they still care about your comfort, realize something must change, and are willing to modify their behavior for your benefit, there remains hope to rebuild the trust that’s been lost.
In either case, what happens next is not something anyone here is equipped to prescribe, but I do hope you’re able to find a better relationship, with or without your current partner.
I don't think you seem to have any problems, but it sounds like your partner may have some things that they'll need to work out.
People are creatures of habit - while it is true that your partner is being an asshole, I currently don't have any reason to believe that they're doing it out of malice rather than habit.
It sounds like your partner may need to seek professional help, because it is their responsibility to manage their ADD/depression, and it sounds like they may be struggling to do that. It is not your responsibility to manage it for them
Sounds like your partner has a lot more issues than just add. Have you ever looked into narcissistic behavior?
Sounds like your partner may be somewhat narcissistic, and definitely emotionally abusive if they redirect and gaslight you that regularly
I don't think you have misophonia. Misophonia is where you have an irrational stress/anger response to certain types of sounds. These sounds set off your fight or flight response. My personal triggers are eating noises and dogs drinking water. I don't make that my partner's problem though. I think your partner is being inconsiderate and the constant loud noises are overstimulating for you. You obviously need quiet time to recharge/concentrate and your partner is trying to drown the world out. The whole situation sounds unhealthy and unless you both are willing to work on the underlying issues together it will only get worse.
It's a fair request to turn it down enough so it's not audible in the next room. In our house if someone wants it quiet and someone else wants it noisy, quiet wins and noisy can use headphones.
Maybe suggest actual couples therapy next time they have one of thier 30 minute diatribes...
If I got a 30 minute diatribe when asking someone to make less noise I'd leave them.
I'm ADD as hell and I couldn't have got with someone who played their things loud like that. I can tolerate one audible thing, but multiple?
When an Adult You Love Has ADHD Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings - Russell A. Barkley
You, Me, and Our ADHD Family: Practical Steps to Cultivate Healthy Relationships - Tamara Rosier
Yeah living with other people requires you to respect noise levels. It's just basic courtesy. There are six in our house and we have an earliest time that the shower can be turned on for example (edit: it's an electric shower and noisy AF). Of course exceptions have to be made.
If he's not prepared to turn down the TV to a reasonable level that's on him. He knows it's upsetting you and is prepared to continue upsetting you. That's really unhealthy and inconsiderate behaviour.
One thing that might help is getting him to use headphones with the TV. Most TVs these days have Bluetooth support. If I'm watching a movie late at night (common) I'll always use headphones. Again it's just common courtesy.
If they're not prepared to turn down the TV to a reasonable level that's on them. They know it's upsetting you and are prepared to continue upsetting you. That's really unhealthy and inconsiderate behaviour.
One thing that might help is getting them to use headphones with the TV. Most TVs these days have Bluetooth support. If I'm watching a movie late at night (common) I'll always use headphones. Again it's just common courtesy.
FTFY
Yeah fair call.
I have this with my kids. I got them headphones for every device. And noise cancelling headphones for myself. It's a hostile existence.
Our noise canceling headphones were for my 6yo but I use them more often than he does. Sometimes when he wears them he cranks the volume on the tablet to hear it through those headphones and we're still educating him on why that's no good.
Maybe he's depressed because he keeps watching YouTube reactions.
I think talk to them and ask them if they can watch their tv with headphones and let them know your brain needs like 2-6 hours of silence a day to function. I know with like roku or whatever you can have the app stream the sound to your phone. If you have a sound system its a matter of getting a BT transmitter.
Yikes. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. Is your partner working with someone re his depression and add? Are you getting support? At the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself.
For me personally I can’t handle that type of behavior. I was working closely with someone like that and i ended up leaving. I felt terrible. Aside from her issues, I really liked her and she was very knowledgeable but working with her caused me very high anxiety and I just couldn’t deal with it.
Can’t the conversation be on volume levels? You can say that you find it distracting and difficult to enjoy your own activities.
i have something called hyerpacusis, where certain frequencies or the volume will cause pain, i do have a very acute sense of hearing.
I've developed hearing loss as I've gotten older and have noticed that I find loud noises physically painful but they don't seem to be an issue for people around me. I don't remember it being a problem when I was younger.
Videogames and YouTube reaction vid can both go to the same singular pair of Bluetooth headphones.
Your partner is not being fair to you. They don't need to be listening at full volume, either. That's obnoxious.
Shit, if I wanna plug my guitar in my huge amp and shred guitar all day, do I just tell my gf to deal with it because I'm depressed and have ADD? No, I use amp simulators and headphones.
Partner is also suffering from depression so every freaking time I begged to please turn the tv off, it’s just ended in a 30 minute therapy session at home on how I can improve myself.
Eh, what? What does being depressed have to do with you asking to turn off the TV? I feel like they are using this against you, but there's not a lot of info to go by.
Perhaps a solution would be to get them headphones, too.
I get real mad when people use ADHD as an excuse to be an inconsiderate bag of dicks.
I prefer to be interacting with several forms of media, yes. But I don't need the sound up on all of them, and if I did, I'd put on my BT headphones and mix the sound levels individually. What an asshole.
Yep. I have ADHD and I'd never subject someone else to the cooking video I forgot about, with the tutorial I'm watching, with the Spotify playlist I forgot was on, while the menu track plays on the game I was about to play.
This would be torture for any other human. Even if I, with my ADHD, walked into a room that sounded just like what I just described, I'd be incredibly unable to concentrate. I can only tune out a cacophony of my own doing.
Also, OP, I have misophonia, and this is not that. You are rightfully unable to handle this level of noise. Misophonia is more an intolerance to certain specific sounds. Like I'm 100% peaceful but random kissing noises and smacking make me imagine driving a dagger into someone's chest. That sort of thing.
The boyfriend (also ADHD) and I both have it for people making eating sounds, like eating with their mouths open. Your mentioning smacking made me think of that. Agh!
Yes that is the most heinous smacking of all. I cannot tolerate it.
my boyfriend and my mom both have that. makes for some fun dinners, since my dad is a super loud eater (tbh, even i get annoyed by my dad eating, lol). luckily, my mom trained me up in the ways of polite eating from like day one, so no friction on my behalf!
Yeah i have headphones they're great
Why does he not use those headphones? It is generally accepted practice to make an effort to be quiet when you need noises, not make an effort to endure someone else's crap.
So I'd say the responsibility is solely on his shoulders to stay fucking quiet. Why not blast all that noise to a headset? Also, depression doesn't factor into this. If he keeps bringing that up as an excuse you need to address that.
I agree with you, except your use of “his.” OP only used the term partner.
Fair enough
Try to find a middle ground. Use the noise canceling headphones on the TV, so he can hear his TV and it doesn't bother you. Take turns if need be. Living together is all about finding what works for both of you, and giving up things so both can have a good home life.
Basically, as usual in spousal difficulties, it's all about talking, and finding what works.
Without wading into the therapeutic too much, is there a way to move your PC, maybe to the bedroom. Or to set your partner up with wireless headphones.
I would say it isn't so important to put a label on either of you as it is to find a workable solution. So frame your approach in these terms, make a schedule for headphone time, don't engage in the at home therapy. Other than that, look for somebody who knows both of you better than me or anybody else here. The advice is probably going to be better.
How long have you been together? How long since you moved in together?