Whatever level of SA you've experienced it wasn't your fault, and we support you.
Please note: this community is women-only, please read the rules before commenting.
this post was submitted on 21 Oct 2025
375 points (100.0% liked)
WomensStuff
688 readers
348 users here now
Women only trans inclusive This is an inclusive community for all things women. Whether you're here for make up tips, feminism or just friendly chit chat, we've got you covered.
Rules…
- Women only… trans women are women, and transphobic or gender critical talk isn’t allowed. Anyone under the trans umbrella (e.g. non-binary, bigender, agender) is free to decide whether a women's community is a good fit for them.
- Don’t be a dick. No personal attacks, no aggression, play nice.
- Don’t hate on groups, hatefilled talk about groups is not allowed. Ever.
- No governmental politics, so no talk of Trump actions etc. We recommend Feminism@beehaw.org for that, but here is an escape from it.
- New accounts or users with few comments may have their posts removed to prevent spam and bad-faith participation.
founded 7 months ago
MODERATORS
Trigger for CSA and SA
I'm a trans woman. My story is messed up.
The first girl's clothes I ever wore were a pair of tiny tight-fitting shorts and top. I was made to put them on by my abuser. I was 11 years old.
It took decades for me to finally come out as a woman. My very first night out, I got dressed up. First time wearing a short skirt since my teens. I wasn’t prepared for the attention. I was sexually assaulted twice.
I still need to hear it's not my fault. I know it intellectually, but I don't really feel it. So I am grateful for the message of this post 🙏✨️
It was not your fault. The people at fault are the ones who assaulted you. Don’t give them any leeway by trying to take blame onto yourself.
Holy shit I'm so sorry this happened to you, that's so awful!
Thank you 🙏. The good news is that I have people in my life who support me - and a great therapist.
Healing is tough, but I am tougher!
Rape is and always was about power, I'm always instantly wary of anyone who insinuates stuff like "maybe she shouldn't have been wearing that" or "what was she wearing?"
While people perceive dress to have an impact on who is assaulted, studies of rapists suggest that victim attire is not a significant factor. Instead, rapists look for signs of passiveness and submissiveness, which, studies suggest, are more likely to coincide with more body-concealing clothing. 140 In a study to test whether males could determine whether women were high or low in passiveness and submissiveness, Richards and her colleagues found that men, using only nonverbal appearance cues, could accurately assess which women were passive and submissive versus those who were dominant and assertive. 141 Clothing was one of the key cues: “Those females high in passivity and submissiveness (i.e., those at greatest risk for victimization) wore noticeably more body-concealing clothing (i.e., high necklines, long pants and sleeves, multiple layers).” 142 This suggests that men equate body-concealing clothing with passive and submissive qualities, which are qualities that rapists look for in victims. Thus, those who wore provocative clothes would not be viewed as passive or submissive, and would be less likely to be victims of assault
https://scholarship.law.duke.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1109&context=djglp
to add to your comment, i think it’s also worth reminding that most victims of rape were in close contact with the rapist, i.e. a family member, colleague, friend, partner, etc.
the idea that rape mostly comes from strangers was made to justify racism, even. it’s the idea that The Other is the danger when, more often than not, it comes from our inner circles.
That’s really interesting. I dress that way, but I wouldn’t call myself submissive or passive at all. It makes sense, though, in a way.
I’m the bitch who tells dudes to “shut the fuck up, she’s not here to give you a boner” when they tell a bartender to smile, or make some comment she obviously finds uncomfortable. Who straight up sings “Not interested!” without looking when being catcalled (one dude was like “I’m not trying to fuck you!” from across the parking lot, so like, lol right.. which got “I’m also not interested in a conversation!” In the same singsong sort of way.. he was so angry, and fumed at me about it until I got in my car. Glorious.)
So hey, maybe I’ll be good counter/hide for actually passive fem-presenting folks! And if not I’ll just go right ahead and keep standing up for them if they seem unable/unwilling.
However, on reflection, it really sucks that a gal can’t win. You wear something revealing, you take verbal abuse from men. You wear something not revealing, you look like prey to men. (Yes yes, not all men. But nearly always a man.)
Thank you for sharing this. I wish this was more known.
I may have missed it. I was trying to find how they determined if the women were submissive in the first place, and if they always dressed conservatively. I'm by no means suggesting clothing has anything to do with sexual assault, I have more of an issue with the dominance/submission dichotomy in how it applies to women.
Regardless, good article and good points being made.
It really doesn't matter what you wear.
Unless it reaches a courtroom. Then, if you were wearing a microdress, the jury will more likely than not acquit. Whereas if you were wearing something conservative there's a small, but measurable chance they will convict.
(Just for clarity: the above is a very sarcastic observation about how even if you're "dressed right" juries tend to blame women.)
No such thing as dressed right.
Can't say I would trust an all female jury to not be biased and blame the victim. If the victim's apparel wasn't a factor, they will find another factor.
Ayup. There's a reason why survivors often choose not to press charges.
Get publicly humiliated ... and still don't get justice.
Publicly humiliated, no justice, then the fact that the perpetrator got away is used as "proof" that you are a conniving woman that wanted revenge on a man.
That's true.
It can happen at work too. Sexual relationship then female gets fired. Or female gets sexually harassed and she gets fired for standing up for herself. It is so common.
WOMENSSTUFF IS A TRANS+ INCLUSIVE WOMEN ONLY COMMUNITY